Journal keeping is a treasure of perfectly phrased feelings that we may grasp at but never quite get back to without documentation. Today, with a heavy heart, I had to make a choice that I did not want to. I had to make a choice because if know that my body needs me to make this choice. I was faced with the same decision earlier in the year and emotionally and physically was in a different headspace:
I’m going to cut any and all suspense because I’m tired and emotionally drained.
Tomorrow I am having surgery to get gastric tube (g-tube).
But here are my thoughts on the same difficult decision in May.
“It’s not that I think that cancer is getting out of control. I’m back on chemo and I really believe that it will help the situation with my intestines. The fear (granted possibly irrational) is that despite our best efforts, my intestines just won’t work properly. Further measures if this NG tube/bowel rest effort didn’t work would potentially mean a g-tube in my stomach or colostomy bag. Though I’m sure many people live great lives with a g-tube or colostomy, I just can’t come to terms with that as my reality. We definitely are not there yet, but it has been mentioned as a worst case scenario and that frightens me.” May 2016
Today, one day after a second failed clamp trial (the one where we clamp off the NG tube from nose –> stomach. I felt kind of empty in that I just had nothing left to give to make my intestines work like most other people walking the earth. I was no longer afraid of the g-tube alternative because my body in a sense already gave me a little wink to tell me what it needed.
I can’t do this all by myself on prayer and bowel rest alone, and my poor little gut can’t do it on his own either so we’ve agreed to get help.
I’m not sure what time the procedure is tomorrow but please gather all of your positive energy and send a little in my direction if you can.
I’ll be sure to post more in a few days as I recover.
Thanks again for all of the love.