Enough

Before I say anything, yes, I did thankfully make it to the commencement procession this past Saturday. I was discharged from WIH on Thursday, went to commencement for about an hour or so. My body didn’t have the energy to stay for anything beyond that.

I took about as many pictures as a “proud parent” might but here are some highlights. (And yes, I’m incredibly sick here. Make up and a new dress does wonders, huh?)

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I was beaming with pride for each and every graduate that walked through the archway. So many powerful and significant bonds have been formed with these students since they entered as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed freshman. It was an honor to see them through to the very end.

It is no secret that I adore working with students which is why it truly pains me to have to be away from work for so long as I watch the clock from a hospital bed.

 

So onto the heavy news…

I’ve had enough.

I can’t believe I am saying this, again, but I am writing this from yet another hospital bed with another NG tube going from my nose into my stomach.

This is the 3rd admittance to the hospital since May 5th. I’ve only slept in my own bed three nights since then. The past few years have handed me a mess of challenges but it feels like this month has had me in a choke hold and it it isn’t letting go.

After commencement I was exhausted so I went straight to my bed. A few hours later I felt nauseated and took some Phenergan to ease the nausea. The pill didn’t stay down long enough before I threw up for the first of eight times that afternoon. Around 5pm, with Sheila’s advice, Cory nodded that it was time that we go back to the Emergency Room. The hospital was the last place on the planet that I wanted to be but the only place I needed to be.

Per usual they made me comfortable, eased the abdominal pain, and sent me for x-ray’s and CT scans. I got the usual chorus of “didn’t I just see you the other day?”. We were initially alarmed because my white blood cell count was really high but I exhibited no other symptoms of sepsis. They brought in the infectious disease doctor just in case but in the end infection was ruled out. We were back to square one, the original culprit, the bowel obstruction that just won’t resolve.

Before you jump to any conclusions about what I must have eaten to land me back there so soon, please know that I was sent home with TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition). IV nutrition that I administer myself that ensures I have everything I need while I slowly introduce other liquids and solids into my diet. In addition to TPN over the course of two days I ingested the following: 5 conservative sips of ensure, 4 plain crackers, 4 bites of Rice Krispies with almond milk, and less than a 1/4 cup of butternut squash soup.

So clearly I’m not wolfing down a grand slam at Denny’s*.

*Even if I COULD eat, you would never find me at Denny’s

So here are the facts:

1.) I’m in the hospital NPO (no food or drink by mouth) and receiving nutrition from TPN

2.) I have an NG tube in my nose to rest intestines

3.) We suspect the tumors studding the intestines are the reason the bowel obstructions are not resolving and happening more frequently

4.) Chemo begins tomorrow right in the hospital room. We’re going back to Taxol and Carboplatin.

5.) Taxol will happen weekly and Carbo will happen every 3rd week

I joke about Denny’s and keep the blog light but the truth is, in this moment I do not feel all that strong. All of this scares me. I’ve spent a significant amount of time being consoled by my parents, Cory, doctors, nurses, social workers, CNA’s….shit, even the radiology ladies brought by presents after I simultaneously sobbed and projectile vomited while they placed my NG tube.

It’s been a rough journey wrapping my head around this seemingly never ending story.

I’m in a place where I have no choice but to wholeheartedly believe that this treatment is going to help me because I am unwilling to accept anything else.

I am putting every ounce of energy I have into the universe: this treatment will work, I will be able to eat again, and I will go on to sustain a better quality of life without crazy invasive measures.

I need to believe this to be true, and I need you to believe this to be true.

Better things are on the horizon and I’m ready to get there.

 

 

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29 thoughts on “Enough

    • Jess-I will believe with you for your positive outcome. Pushing the positive vibes your way. Hugs to you, my dear. Oh-no way should you believe that Denny’s has good food-just good marketing. Love and a kiss for you.

    • Keep up that positive, tough attitude…you are an amazingly strong person, a rock!! Praying for your speedy recovery so you can return to work…cuz we really MISS YOU!!! ❤

  1. So sorry to learn you are back in the hospital. My heart is heavy, thinking of all you have to go through.
    Hoping that you will get through this set back very shortly. Praying as hard as I can……

  2. I don’t know you, but I feel like I do as I have been reading your blog for some time now. I am a friend of your brothers. Just want you to know that I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You have demonstrated yourself to be an INCREDIBLY strong person. I have no doubt you can push through this obstacle like you have the many others.

    All my best to you!

  3. I believe this to be true too Jess! Thinking of you and sending all the love and healthy vibes in the universe your way.

  4. Change that “I need to believe” to “I believe” …. AND SO IT IS ~ much love beautiful woman we’re here for the long haul, loving and supporting you in your belief! You’re amazing, stay strong! crying is good too, it will help wash it out of you. Sending you wishes, for the highest, the finest and the most beautiful vibrations of love and light. Namaste

  5. I believe you will get there Jess – if there is a human on this planet who can get over the obstacles before you, you are that human. You are in my thoughts moment by moment – you are so loved, and admired, and respected, and cherished – so much positive energy being sent your way, there is no way you won’t ultimately be the victor in this fight. And BTW – you are becoming some make-up artist because if you felt awful at commencement, you surely did rock it! All my love and hugs are coming your way – if you want me or need me for anything – ANYTHING – I am only a phone or text away. Love, love, love.
    Susanxoxoxoxox

  6. There are not enough words in the universe to tell you how much we love you and how much we believe in you. Love WILL see you through…. ❤️

  7. I BELIEVE in you as well Jess. You have been through so much already and you have shone tremendous strength and amazing spirit through all of it. I have no doubt you will continue to do so. Here’s another ‘bump in the road’ but that’s ‘ok’…You got this!! Thinking of you always with LOVE, good thoughts and positive energy! XOXOXO

  8. Sending a truck load of positive energy your way, praying for healing (out bowel obstruction!) and believing you will be well soon! Love you, Jess❤️

  9. Jesse ~ so happy that you were able to be at the commencement exercises, even for the short stay. You looked wonderful in the photos!!! You are so beautiful, one who probably doesn’t need any “make-up” on your good days. As you say, on to the “heavy” stuff…..my heart goes out to you…..you have suffered so much already, & yet you still have that beautiful smile on your face…..keep up your “fight”, I believe your cure is just around the bend. Enough is Enough…..but Don’t Give Up!!! Praying for the day when you can say, I kicked that Cancer right out of me!!! We are all Praying for You Jesse…..get well soon!!!

  10. Jess – I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through all of this yet again. Sending you prayers and positive thoughts and energy. Hang in there! You have amazing spirit and courage. You will come through this.

  11. Jess, you have become such a brave and caring young lady. As you continue to fight and fight this insidious disease, you use your strength and talents to write your blog— making time through the ‘attacks’ to share with others about the experience! You are a very special person and are in the thoughts, hearts and prayers. You WON’T give up and neither will Jess’s Team! Wish we could assume some of the suffering and pain💖

  12. As an old friend of your mom I have followed your blog for quite some time. I can not believe the strength and positivity you have shown through all you have gone, and are still going through. You are an amazing woman. The mother in me would love to wrap my arms around you and assure you everything will be ok. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you constantly, and may the positivity you possess get you quickly through another horrible obstacle in your journey to better health.

  13. Sending healing energy to fill the spaces in your being that need a lift. May all who think of you, touch you and care for you do so with love and healing in their thoughts and touch. May your body, mind and soul be restored for your Highest good.

  14. We believe with all our hearts…this treatment will work. Those graduates are one lucky bunch to have had you on their corner these last four years. Sending positive energy and prayers your way.

  15. This is anything but fair Jess, and so, I am also choosing to not only believe, but to KNOW with all my soul and being that you are weathering the final storms in their final hurrah before the tides of change wash over and take you out of this crap. You’ve endured more in a month that many do in a lifetime and so I take this moment to say…you are the strongest, most incredible golden friggin unicorn that ever existed and you make my life better. All our lives better. So thank you. Thank you, Thank you. This shit is ending Jess, whatever curve balls life has been throwing have tired that metaphorical pitcher out and I’m putting him/her on the bench for good. Every single day will be a step towards BETTER, HEALTHIER, HAPPIER. Fight that good fight and knock this out. You believe it, and we’ll KNOW it. This low point has bottomed out and things go up from here. LOVE YOU JESS!!! Call, text, email or contact me telepathically anytime.

  16. I am so sorry you are going through all this. You are in my prayers every day for comfort and healing. That is something you can count on even when your gut lets you down.

  17. Jess, you are such an amazing young woman who should not have to endure so much. This is another obstacle that you will overcome, your positive attitude will ensure better days. You are loved by many.

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