Giving in: G-tube tomorrow

Journal keeping is a treasure of perfectly phrased feelings that we may grasp at but never quite get back to without documentation. Today, with a heavy heart, I had to make a choice that I did not want to. I had to make a choice because if know that my body needs me to make this choice. I was faced with the same decision earlier in the year and emotionally and physically was in a different headspace:

I’m going to cut any and all suspense because I’m tired and emotionally drained.

Tomorrow I am having surgery to get gastric tube (g-tube).

But here are my thoughts on the same difficult decision in May.

“It’s not that I think that cancer is getting out of control. I’m back on chemo and I really believe that it will help the situation with my intestines. The fear (granted possibly irrational) is that despite our best efforts, my intestines just won’t work properly. Further measures if this NG tube/bowel rest effort didn’t work would potentially mean a g-tube in my stomach or colostomy bag. Though I’m sure many people live great lives with a g-tube or colostomy, I just can’t come to terms with that as my reality. We definitely are not there yet, but it has been mentioned as a worst case scenario and that frightens me.” May 2016

Today, one day after a second failed clamp trial (the one where we clamp off the NG tube from nose –> stomach. I felt kind of empty in that I just had nothing left to give to make my intestines work like most other people walking the earth. I was no longer afraid of the g-tube alternative because my body in a sense already gave me a little wink to tell me what it needed.

I can’t do this all by myself on prayer and bowel rest alone, and my poor little gut can’t do it on his own either so we’ve agreed to get help.

I’m not sure what time the procedure is tomorrow but please gather all of your positive energy and send a little in my direction if you can.

I’ll be sure to post more in a few days as I recover.

Thanks again for all of the love.

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23 thoughts on “Giving in: G-tube tomorrow

  1. Positive thoughts — Healing vibes and Warmest of Wishes for comfort for you Jesse—Love is surrounding you by, oh so many — with prayers ——for your well being.

  2. Prayers, Prayers, & More Prayers, Love, & Hugs are coming to You Jesse ~You can do this!!! You are a Super Strong Lovely Young Lady, and you WILL handle this next Speed Bump!!! So sad that you have to go thru this, but STAY STRONG ~ You have a “world” of people Praying for you, and we will continue to!!!

  3. Your in my thought today Jess. I know this is not what you wanted but I know it’s gonna make you feel so much better. I will see you soon.

  4. My darling, brave, gorgeous girl: sorry to have been out of touch, but I follow your journey through your blog, and you are in my thoughts and prayers every single day. I will be holding you in the light today Jess, and I will ask everyone I know to do the same. Here’s hoping that this is the thing that will finally transform your life, and you can say – no more hospital stays! With tons of love and respect and admiration – I am always, your friend, Susan xoxoxoxox

  5. I’m one of the most positive level headed people (not a negative bone in my body) so I am sending my vibes to you today and always. Gotta share the love!

  6. I’m sending all the love I have to you, Jess.

    Love,

    Sharon Ruthven

    On Wed, Dec 14, 2016 at 10:45 PM, The Cancer Chronicles wrote:

    > jsultaire posted: “Journal keeping is a treasure of perfectly phrased > feelings that we may grasp at but never quite get back to without > documentation. Today, with a heavy heart, I had to make a choice that I did > not want to. I had to make a choice because if know that my bo” >

  7. I do not know you but I read your posts through your cousin Phyllis. May GOD be with you today and everyday. You are an amazing strong women. You have such a positive energy and are an inspiration to all. You are in my thoughts and prayers always. God Bless You.

  8. Let your body be your guide. This all sounds so uncomfortable, but I know you are working hard to stay alive! I read your blog and thank the heavens that you are with us! Love and positive energy coming your way!!!!❤️

  9. So appreciate your sharing. I am inspired by your thoughts. I am also inspired by the quality of your writing. I love to write. It is my way to feed my soul. All my best wishes for you in your journey.

  10. I grew up across the street from your cousins, and down the street from your Mom. Wishing you the best, positive energy heading your way!

  11. Hi Jess! I’m friends with Sheila and saw the link here to your blog on her FB page. I wanted to send you some super vibes in the form of emojis because they have helped out friends of mine in the past. Good luck tomorrow!!! Sending super posi vibes…NOW!
    ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
    🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾
    💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
    😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
    🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
    🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱
    💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛
    🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀
    💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
    ♻️♻️♻️♻️♻️♻️♻️♻️
    💎💎💎💎💎💎💎💎
    🌀🌀🌀🌀🌀🌀🌀🌀
    💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙
    👾👾👾👾👾👾👾👾
    💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
    🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄
    💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗
    🚺🚺🚺🚺🚺🚺🚺🚺

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