Tag Archives: Ovarian cancer

All systems go: A new treatment plan in motion

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What a day, nay- what a week.

At work we are in the midst of the course registration frenzy. During this time there are a lot of time sensitive concerns, a high volume of varying needs, and general stress. On top of that all I can think about all week is:

1.) I need to stop hacking a lung or I might turn myself inside out.

2.) What treatment plan will provide for me the best quality of life

3.) Pizza (because pizza is usually at the forefront of my mind).

My supervisors and colleagues have been very sensitive to my recent and ongoing challenges and stepped up in a huge way to ensure that I could rest my body and ease my mind. I didn’t realize just how necessary it was to just decompress until I got home, got into bed, and felt all my insides just ache.

STILL Fixing a Broken Squeaker:

Today was a big day. First of all, the coughing has gotten out of hand and although I had some relief after the thoracentesis, I underwent a second this morning. After performing an ultrasound on both lungs they determined that the left side was STILL worse than the right side and they again drained from the left side.

No Farva, that’s not Liter-Cola, it’s another full liter of my tumor juice.

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Sheila, my now fancy nurse-navigator, was a doll and went with me to observe the procedure and wiped the tears from my eyes and goopy nose while I periodically whimpered. The PA that performed the procedure was VERY good and although it was still a difficult procedure to endure, it wasn’t as traumatizing as the first time.

There is still some fluid boppin’ around in there but I can certainly breathe even better now. Slowly, we’re making progress. I just pray to the good heavens above that I don’t have to have this procedure done again anytime soon. Two in one week is enough torture.

The Treatment Plan:

Prior to draining the pleural effusion from my chest, I met with Dr. Robison to carefully weigh out all of the treatment options we have in front us. After great consideration, we agreed that we would try pairing Avastin (an antibody) and Taxol (a commonly used chemotherapy that I’ve had previously). There is research to suggest that Avastin in combination with Taxol yields more promising results than Avastin alone. The decision to start with a chemo-combination as opposed to Avastin on its own was also heavily influenced by the amount of fluid that has been collecting in my chest. The Taxol should do a good job of drying that up. Eventually we will be able to taper off the chemo and only use Avastin. I do not have a timeline for this.

The up-sides:

  • Will provide good quality of life
  • Minimal side effects
  • I DON’T have to take it at home (it will be an outpatient infusion)
  • Treatment will occur at Women and Infant’s in Providence (less than a mile from my apartment)
  • I already know that I tolerate Taxol well

Moderate-Bummers:

  • At least for the first few months I will need infusions once per week (still not as bad as the first time)
  • I may lose my hair again. But even so- I know I have a nice round head and in the grand scheme of things feeling well trumps having hair.

With all of that being said we are wasting no time! My first treatment begins next Friday and I plan to be there with the ever handsome and delightful Cory Tysoe. Little does he know that he will just have to just watch me pass the eff out once they toss some Benedryl in the IV (Benedryl naps for life!). Cory- you should probably bring a book…

So in short, it’s been a BIG week of mixed experiences and emotions but I’m still full of fire and will do everything I can to claim my life as my own and NOT cancer’s chew toy.

Mom, Dad, Adam, Cory, family, and friends (I’d be typing names for decades, sorry). Thank you for always having my back, always believing in my ability to be well, and helping me to navigate and endure the ups and downs of this disease.

So much gratitude…

Jess

Questioning Quality of Life

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I haven’t written since the end of February…yikes.

Where we left off was with my unhappy guts. I had another consult with the gastroenterologist and she decided that although the x-ray showed no sign of lingering obstruction, it was not safe to perform a colonoscopy. The team at Mass General seemed satisfied with her professional opinion and it was agreed that we would forget about it for now.

Coming down the pike is a CT scan on April 1st. On April 7th my parents and I will be heading to Boston to find out my scan results and talk about my treatment moving forward. Regardless of what the scan results are, good, bad, or unchanged, I am requesting my final dose reduction. I am allowed one more and I’m running with it.

Since the last dose reduction nothing has changed. The side effects are nagging and constant. I have bottles upon bottles of medications to combat the side effects of this treatment and I am just left swimming in pills.By the standards of the drug company the side effects are “tolerable” but we all have our limits. This is not how I want to care for myself. Each day has been a struggle and I’m worn out.

I actually just sent an email to the medical team at MGH expressing my concerns and requested a dose reduction for consideration. The principal investigator of the study emailed me back 12 minutes later (on a Sunday night no less, that’s commitment!) and he was understanding of my concerns. He said that there is no sense pushing through this dosage with a crummy quality of life and that he would speak to the team and get back to me.

I am also setting up a consult with my homegirl Dr. Robison in Providence to discuss alternative options should the time come that I choose this study is no longer right for me. She also emailed me back right away (again, on a weekend!) and kindly agreed to meet with me after my CT scan to discuss other kinds of treatments that might be a little easier on me.

Quality of life is far too important to ignore. I do not know what my future holds with this treatment but I am determined to reignite the fire I had within me when this all started in 2012.

To start, I’ve decided to adopt The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt’s quirky theme song as my own:

Thank you Netflix binge and my hero, Tina Fey, for this delicious find.

Lastly, please send some positive and healing vibes to a friend of mine facing a recent cancer recurrence. Her name is Elyse, she’s a ball of excitement, and she is a cancer fighting BEAST. I had the pleasure of meeting her last April at the Stupid Cancer Conference in Vegas (and 24 hours later held her hand as she fearlessly got her first tattoo at the Hard Rock). She is all about pumping up those around her so it’s time for her to receive the same positive energy. #WorkItOut Elyse!

tattoo
elyse

(Photo Credits: Dan Shapiro)

Guts (but not the Aggro Crag kind)

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To start off, if you grew up in the early 90’s you may enjoy the beautiful ‘Guts’ reference in the above title. If you do not fall into that category, the ‘Aggro Crag’ was the coveted trophy awarded to the 1st place winner of the Nickelodeon show ‘Guts’. BEHOLD:

If you think this post is about that beautiful, green, glowing piece of greatness, it’s not. It’s about actual guts, my guts. Sorry…

I’ll understand if you decide to stop reading here.

For those of you that don’t care about 90’s pop culture references, let’s carry on shall we?

Today I visited my gastroenterologist, Dr. Fayek. Since before the bowel obstruction there has been talk of me having a colonoscopy due to thickening of the colon seen on January’s CT scan. My doctors are unsure as to what this means but the Boston doctors would like me to have the colonoscopy as a precaution as it has been seen that the study drug can cause colitis (inflammation of the colon).

It has been a few weeks since I was discharged from the hospital for the bowel obstruction so the consult was for Dr. Fayek to examine me and see if I was in good shape to follow through with the colonoscopy. After feeling my abdomen she said that she still felt some distention and was very concerned about performing a colonoscopy.

In the event that my guts are still jacked up and she were to perform a colonoscopy it could be dangerous. The result could be possibly triggering another bowel obstruction or perforation (which is super scary and could lead to surgery/infection/extreme unpleasantness). In order to perform a colonoscopy your doctor pumps air into your colon in order for the camera to get a comprehensive view (fun right? you suckers should have stopped reading when I told you to).

The colonoscopy is scheduled for Friday, March 13th at Women and Infants but we will have another consult before that to determine if it is safe or not. Dr. Fayek consulted with Dr. Robison and they both tend to agree that it may not be the best time for this kind of procedure.

I am appreciative that Dr. Fayek is erring on the side of caution and being very conservative when weighing the cost/benefit of this procedure. Ever since the FIRST surgery in December 2012, my intestines have never been quite right. Who would have thought that cutting them in half and sewing them back together would make them angry? Is there such a thing as colon-karma? Hmm…

As details unfold about the fate of this procedure, I shall let you know.

In other news…

1.) I’ve been back on the trial for a couple weeks now. It still makes me feel crummy and I still hate it. I am due for a CT scan in April and will weigh out my options at that time. For now I’m working on incorporating some more holistic/healthy practices into my life, abstaining from alcohol (wahhh wine, I still love you), eating VERY well thanks to the generosity of many, and sweating it out in hot yoga/beasting it weight training with Matt. All of this helps, I just need to keep the momentum going to maintain healthy behaviors.

2.) I’ve been receiving a boat-load of extra help lately. Thank you for everyone that has signed up/cooked a meal for me through the CaringBridge page or sent a donation through Young & Brave or otherwise 🙂 Between my cousins alone, I think I have enough individually portioned, healthy, tasty freezer meals to last me another month! (Sara and Teri, you seriously need to quit your jobs and go into business!).

Additionally, I have received many thoughtful gifts, cards, and treats that melt my heart. These acts of kindness resonate with me deeply.

oprah

THANK-YOU!

Love & gratitude 🙂

Snow & Chemo

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To all of my friends in the New England- I hope that you are surviving the insane amount of snow that has come our way. On behalf of us all, I have taken it upon myself to send Punxsutawney Phil a strongly worded letter in regard to this “6 more weeks of winter” bullshit.

I am sitting at home on our 4th snow day in two weeks. I’m a bit torn as I really could use the extra rest and down time but at the same time it is hard to get back into a routine when I haven’t yet had a full week of work since before my last hospitalization. I guess I’ll just stick with not complaining since my landlord takes care of snow removal and I am left to binge watch Crimes of the Century and drink tea all day under my heated blanket. (To anyone working in Academic Affairs just accept that the add/drop period will never end. Ever, ever.)

Despite last week’s snowfall, I miraculously made it to Boston. I had every intention of writing my update last Tuesday after my appointment but in light of the MBTA basically imploding upon itself, my blog post would have been less about my health and more of a giant rant about public transit riddled with a generous amount of profanity and “f-bombs”. Seriously, anyone that tried to take a commuter rail, T, bus, or cab in the city of Boston last Tuesday must share my pain. How they managed to pull off a PARADE the next day when they couldn’t even get commuters to their jobs/lives the day before is beyond my comprehension. By the time I got to my appointments I’m almost certain my blood pressure was roughly one million over a thousand. (END MINI-RANT)

Per usual I was in Boston from morning until late afternoon playing the waiting game. In that time period I had two appointments: 1.) Ophthalmologist 2.) Medical Oncology. Stacey Applesauce Goldman was kind enough to join me in the waiting game and even sit in a dark exam room while I napped on the exam table.

Eye Doc: Good news! The last time I was there, three weeks ago, I was told that there was a trace amount of fluid starting to collect behind my retinas. This is of concern if ignored but can easily correct itself if one goes off drug. Apparently the three weeks spent on a chemocation did the trick and no fluid was detected. (I still want that seeing eye dog. Maybe I can make an argument for a therapy dog instead?)

Yes this one will do quite nicely, right Blythe family?

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  •  Oncology: This appointment was mostly just to get me back on chemo and to bring the doctors up to speed with the partial bowel obstruction experience.
    • Obstruction Recap– They determined that the bowel obstruction was unrelated to the study drug and left it at that. I tend to agree as I do have a history of sad guts prior to this trial. I mean, my intestines were cut in half and sewn back together only two years ago, that doesn’t just go back to normal overnight. My guts are cranky. So moving forward the plan for these cranky guts is to meet with the gastroenterologist again and plan for a full colonoscopy in a few weeks when she feels it is safe to push air through the intestines. We should have a little more information about what the thickening of the colon means after the colonoscopy.
    • Chemo- After much deliberation amongst the group, it was determined that I would be put back on the chemo regimen at a reduced dose of the SAR drug. I’m not sure how effective this will be in curbing my side effects as this drug could possibly be a placebo BUT it’s one less pill I need to take per day. Psychologically, it’s oddly helpful. So far this week I’ve experienced one day of visual blurring (common for first day back), fatigue (par for the course), nausea, leg swelling and stomach discomfort (details spared). So I suppose everything is back to normal then. It’s not great but it has been much worse.

I must be honest, I have thought a lot about quitting the trial over the last few months. It has been incredibly difficult and when my last CT scan came back at a plateau, it was tough to swallow. Through the last few weeks of being off of the drug I have had to physically, mentally, and emotionally rally. I think I am in a place now where I can at the very least commit to a few more months of this and see what comes of it.

As I have said before, part of the challenge is having no defined end date. It’s just this endless cyclical shitstorm. I’m going to try and reframe this in a more incremental way. My next CT scan should be in April. If I can just make it to April I’ll be okay. It doesn’t mean it’s over then, but it’s a small leg of the journey that I can compartmentalize.

So that’s all I have to say about the visit. A long day and not a lot of news.

Lastly, but most importantly I must express my gratitude…

Holy moly the response to my request for help has been unreal!!!! This past weekend alone, Cory insisted that I relax in the bathtub while he clean my apartment himself (boyfriend of the year, right?). From coast to coast and beyond the US people have been graciously helping in any way that they can. I have received delicious, healthy, home cooked meals made with love. I have received thoughtful gifts, offers to accompany me to the doctor, offers to help with laundry/cleaning/errands, generous monetary contributions to help with medical bills, and beautiful encouraging cards/texts/messages.

All of these acts of kindness add up and make my life a little bit easier, but more than anything they lift my spirits. It’s a major reminder that as fiercely independent as I would like to be, I cannot do it all myself. Your kindness is fuel to keep going and keep trying even in the midst of a difficult day.

THANK YOU for every little act of kindness!

loveislouder

Swimming

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I’ve been listening to an awful lot of Jack’s Mannequin lately. Singer, Andrew McMahon, was a teenhood idol of mine (Something Corporate anyone?). I was fortunate to see him honored at the 2014 Stupid Cancer conference in Las Vegas this past April. Andrew is not only a soulful artist but has thrived through a cancer battle of his own. It is no surprise that his music resonates even more with me now.

It is likely that I have listened to (and cried to) this song at least 100 times in the last week. It serves as a reminder to keep going despite the obstacles working against you.

Go ahead, take a listen, I’ll wait…

Here is where I get real with y’all. I’m swimming and swimming and goddamn the current is fierce.

I generally look normal, I’m working full time, and I’m social, right? Though I do not feel defeated, beneath the surface I am worn down to my core. The trial is physically so taxing and isolating. What’s worse is that there is no defined ending to keep my spirit afloat. Thank goodness I made an internet friend from Belgium on the same trial because there is literally only ONE person on the earth that can resonate exactly with what this is like (whattup again Trudie!).

On Tuesday I had my check up in Boston. I’ve been putting off writing about it until today because I am still processing. It wasn’t the worst news but it wasn’t the best either. My CT scan showed zero progress. It is exactly the same as it was in November. The exceptions are that the fluid-filled cysts(?) in my abdomen are slightly bigger (my doctors have no idea what they are or why they’re there). Additionally, the radiologists noted a thickening on parts of my colon and the eye doctor found trace amounts of fluid behind my retinas.

All in all this isn’t the worst news because the tumors aren’t growing so that means the drug is still kind of doing its job.

The disappointment comes from seeing no forward progress in light of all of the physical side effects that have been dragging me down. I could more easily push through the fatigue and vomitting and stomach aches and other bullshit if I was still crushing these tumors. But this time I didn’t and it was disappointing. For the umpteenth time, my medical group consoled me as I cried in the exam room (there has GOT to be a market for human tears. Please for the love of God, someone pay me for a tear donation! I’m a cash cow!).

So anyway, the doctors let me take a two week chemocation and plan to dose-reduce me when I am back on drug. I am also scheduled to have a consult with a GI in Providence as a precaution for my colon. So that’s that for now.

Generally speaking, I’m pleased that there has been no growth but the other part of me is like what the eff universe?! Cue Hulk Smash…

punch

After the visit, I did some soul searching. My quality of living has been disturbed and I know that I have the ability to return to a better physical and emotional space.

Work has generally been fine because the people I work with are incredibly remarkable human beings and they support me every damn day. That being said I have felt so sick and fatigued that I have let some other key areas of my life suffer:

1.) I am not eating well. By the time I get home from work all of the energy I mustered up is spent. I’ve reached my limit and I don’t eat in a way that nurtures my vessel. Paired with a poor appetite, it has not made for a situation where I am using food as medicine. A bowl of rice crispies sure as hell isn’t going to reduce the inflammation in my body or give me energy.

(***SIDENOTE: Thank you to my cousin Cris for juicing for me all weekend when we were in Florida! My body thanks you!!!)

I need nutritious food that will not be rejected by my sad chemo tummy. 

2.) I’m not maintaining my beautiful apartment as I would like to. Dishes will sit in the sink, floors will go unswept, clothes will sit in my hamper for days on end. I’ve never claimed to be a neat freak, I’m far from it. A small mess doesn’t bother me but when it accumulates it does. I’m again so exhausted physically AND emotionally that I can’t get myself to do simple tasks like this.

This is the negative self-talk that goes through my head: “There is only one of me for goodness sakes! How effing hard is it to wash a pan??? Whatever I don’t have it in me, I’ll do it tomorrow” Then I stick my head in the sand, pretend not to feel bad about my negligence, wrap myself up in a blanket and call it a day.

I need to maintain the harmonious environment that I have created by keeping my space clean and uncluttered.

3.) My emotional health has been fragile. I’m too hard on myself often. I compare my abilities to others that are not facing the same types of obstacles and expect too much of myself. I put on a facade that everything is just fine when deep down it’s really, really, hard. Aside from doing more yoga, exploring creative outlets, and talking to my social worker there is something else that will aid my emotional health and because I am stubborn, I rarely do it. I don’t ask for help enough.

I need to ask for help. 

If you are my friend, you may be thinking to yourself “well if she just asked I would totally help her!”

This is what I need you to know: 

1.) Sometimes I don’t know what I need. I have made it a point to prioritize and clarify some of my needs above for this reason.

2.) Asking for help makes me sometimes feel exposed and vulnerable.

3.) Asking for help with things like meals and cleaning makes me feel guilty that I am monopolizing time that you could be using for your own life. I cannot think of a single friend that would make me feel like a burden, but again, negative self-talk is a nasty bugger.

4.) Because I work full time and maintain a social life (not out clubbing but still out and about) I am afraid that I will be perceived as a fraud if I ask for help. It’s not obvious to others that my energy is depleted at the end of the day because I put on too good of a front sometimes. I would never want anyone mistake me for abusing their kindness.

5.) I love you, care for you, and don’t want to bring you down or make you worry.

Asking for the help of people that you love and care about is one of the hardest life lessons I’ve encountered. Giving up control and opening up my world in this way is hard. You may think nothing of picking up some groceries for me but I OVERTHINK it.

I have had many wonderful talks with my momma and boyfriend about accepting help. They have done a great job of helping me see from their lens that this disease makes them feel helpless too. What is in their realm of control is being able to assist with some of the things that I’m too worn out to do all the time. In a situation where all they can do is watch from the sidelines, it is important that I allow them to be active in this process in the ways that they do have control.

Please know that this is really hard for me but I am going to make an honest effort to be more transparent and do more asking (within reason, obviously).

My last note is a giant, enormous, thank-you to my cousins: Dave, Cris, Mason & Alex. They graciously shared their beautiful home with Cory and I in Florida last week. The trip was therapeutic and full of relaxation, laughter, and love. I have but a wee little family but boy are they amazing.

Now to come full circle, back to Jack:

“You’ve got to swim and swim when it hurts. The whole world is watching, you haven’t come this far to fall off the earth”-Jack’s Mannequin  

27th Birthday Musings

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On the surface birthdays are kind of weird, right? You rally your friends and family to celebrate you simply just being born (with little to no props to mama for housing you rent free for the better part of a year). You … Continue reading →

“Happiness is a by-product of a meaningful life”

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I don’t care that the Autumnal Equinox does not occur until September 23rd. Today felt like Fall so I am going to declare it officially fall. I wore a scarf and sweater to work today AND had my first pumpkin flavored coffee; therefore, it is practically official on those grounds alone (BOOM, lawyered).

I love everything about autumn in New England: pumpkins, decorative gourds, apples, crunchy leaves, and foliage- my god the foliage. Not to mention that everyone’s office candy quality improves significantly leading up to Halloween. You can’t walk ten feet without immediate access to a fun-sized Twix (thank you Academic Records). There is a certain charm about autumn that cannot be replicated in any other season. Part of that charm is the sense of renewal that I feel. Working in higher education means that it is still acceptable for me to measure my life in semesters. This equates to September being the beginning of a fresh, new start. I crave and enjoy the renewed energy that the students bring into my office despite the madness of the add/drop period.

Aside from the start of the academic year, it is also the Jewish new year- Rosh Hashanah. Now I must admit that I am not the best Jew in the traditional sense. I am the equivalent of a Catholic person that only shows up to church for Easter and Christmas. But today I read an interesting article called ‘Jews Don’t Say Happy New Year’ by Rabbi Benajmin Blech. What I loved about this article is that Rabbi Blech dissects a common hebrew salutation and supports his explanation by referencing sources within modern positive psychology.

During Rosh Hashanah, it is traditional to say “Shanah Tovah” to one another. I always thought that the phrase translated to “Happy New Year” but it is actually meant to express “the hope for a good year”. The article goes on to explain that wishing for a good year versus a happy year alters the intention of the statement. A good year involves hope for meaningful experience despite personal loss or hardship while a happy year is more focused on the “joy of the moment” (as Rabbi Blech puts it). The “good year” is interpreted to involve more acts of giving and finding purpose while the “happy year” is centered around self-fulfillment. The two are both important and the article notes that “happiness is a by-product of a meaningful life”. So with that, I wish everyone an early (Jewish and otherwise) l’shanah tovah.

With that being said,I am looking forward to two events this month that I am honored to participate in. Both are incredibly meaningful experiences that subsequently bring me joy in the moment (starting out the year right Rabbi Blech!)

1.) September 27th is the 3rd annual Izzy Gala. Who doesn’t love an excuse to dress up in a beautiful gown and enjoy a fancy evening on the top of the Biltmore? This isn’t just about ball gowns and cocktails. Ticket sales and auction items benefit the Izzy Foundation.

The Izzy Foundation was created in loving memory of my oncologist’s daughter. Izzy earned her angel wings after battling Stage 4 rhabdomyosarcoma as an infant/toddler.
izzy
The Izzy Foundation works tirelessly to support families and children with serious illness. The impact this organization has made in the past few years is incredible. Please check out their organization and read more about my “Izperation” at: http://theizzyfoundation.org/

2.) The following day I will be walking in the National Ovarian Cancer Coalition (RI Chapter) Walk to Break the Silence. I am so amazed that only a few days ago I posted the link to my donation page on Facebook and I am already halfway to my goal of raising $1000! My original goal was actually $100 dollars and within 24 hours you incredible people helped me blow past it! I want to thank everyone that has donated thus far. It means so much to me that we can shed light on a disease that is often overlooked. I cannot stress enough that there is no reliable screening tool for Ovarian Cancer which is why over 60% of cases are diagnosed in stage 3 or 4. The more we know, the more intentional we can be in treating this disease and catching it before it gets out of hand.

By no means should you feel obligated but if you would like to make a small monetary donation to my team all proceeds directly benefit the NOCC. You can donate here (no pressure!): http://nocc.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1102597&supId=412190653

I wish you all a wonderful week and will update with any significant news. I am actually feeling pretty energized and normal today (RARE!) so I am cooking Cory a full spread (even more RARE!). I better have a frozen pizza on reserve just in case…

Twas the Night Before Chemo: Take 2

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After much anticipation and a few trips back and forth to Boston tomorrow is the ACTUAL day that I will start my chemo trial. The format of the day, as explained to me, should be pretty painless (if you don’t count the needle accessing my chest port).

Arrive at 10am –> vitals & blood draw –> meet Dr. Birrer at 11am –> Take first dose of the study drug –> wait an hour –> EKG –> Home.  Hopefully it will not be much more complicated than that. I can handle that.

It is interesting to think about where I was on December 30, 2012. The night before I started chemo for the first time. I was a ball of nerves, sleepless, emotional, and hopped up on steroids. I imagined that my hair would fall out immediately and that the drugs would tear my flesh apart like an acid burn as it coursed through my veins. I had many expectations and fears that did not come to be. On the flip side I encountered side effects that I did not necessarily expect. Chemotherapy is such a mixed bag.

This time around I am going into the trial with an open mind. I am turning down the volume on the apprehension and anxiety that initially hit me when posed with this opportunity.  I am deliberately using the word opportunity because I have come to accept that this is a gift. I am  being offered the chance to try something completely new that has the potential to revolutionize how women with Ovarian Cancer are treated.

Today, I am okay and quite thankful for it.

Cancer as chronic

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Recently I feel as if I have been on an upswing. Perhaps I can attribute this to being back at work, going back to the gym (slowly), and socializing per usual. I have really enjoyed the way I have felt, both emotionally and physically.

Last year I wrote about a mental state that I fondly refer to as “cancer purgatory”. Cancer purgatory is when you’ve been treated but you’re not totally sure if you have no evidence of disease. Cancer purgatory haunted me last year. I hated the uncertainty of it. I despised the “living between the lines” as my mother so perfectly phrased it. I was not in the wrong for feeling that way. In fact, I am likely in the majority of cancer crushers that just want to do what they need to do and put it all behind them. It’s easier to compartmentalize in your head if it is black and white, cancer or no cancer.

Since having a recurrence my perspective about what this all means for my life is a lot different. Both Dr. Robison and Dr. Dizon have made me feel secure in the fact that medical science is in my favor. Just yesterday I went in to W&I for a check up and Dr. Robison told me that there is a MEK inhibitor trial starting next month that the most current literature finds to be quite promising. That didn’t exist a year ago. Basically I know that if this disease continues to “be a nuisance” (as Dr. Dizon put it) we will have more and more tools to fight it as the months and years go on should we need them (for the record, I do not need this trial at this time). I am in a place emotionally where I think about cancer on a regular basis but how I regard it is different. I feel that I am able to stay more present and can buy into the notion that this is a chronic and manageable disease instead of the Loch Ness Monster of medical conditions.

Right now I don’t know if there is evidence of disease or not. Regardless of the answer, it will not change how I continue to operate. Cancer has a funny way of scaring you and empowering you at the same time. As of this moment, it is fueling a lot of positive opportunities. I’ll take it.

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