Recently I feel as if I have been on an upswing. Perhaps I can attribute this to being back at work, going back to the gym (slowly), and socializing per usual. I have really enjoyed the way I have felt, both emotionally and physically.
Last year I wrote about a mental state that I fondly refer to as “cancer purgatory”. Cancer purgatory is when you’ve been treated but you’re not totally sure if you have no evidence of disease. Cancer purgatory haunted me last year. I hated the uncertainty of it. I despised the “living between the lines” as my mother so perfectly phrased it. I was not in the wrong for feeling that way. In fact, I am likely in the majority of cancer crushers that just want to do what they need to do and put it all behind them. It’s easier to compartmentalize in your head if it is black and white, cancer or no cancer.
Since having a recurrence my perspective about what this all means for my life is a lot different. Both Dr. Robison and Dr. Dizon have made me feel secure in the fact that medical science is in my favor. Just yesterday I went in to W&I for a check up and Dr. Robison told me that there is a MEK inhibitor trial starting next month that the most current literature finds to be quite promising. That didn’t exist a year ago. Basically I know that if this disease continues to “be a nuisance” (as Dr. Dizon put it) we will have more and more tools to fight it as the months and years go on should we need them (for the record, I do not need this trial at this time). I am in a place emotionally where I think about cancer on a regular basis but how I regard it is different. I feel that I am able to stay more present and can buy into the notion that this is a chronic and manageable disease instead of the Loch Ness Monster of medical conditions.
Right now I don’t know if there is evidence of disease or not. Regardless of the answer, it will not change how I continue to operate. Cancer has a funny way of scaring you and empowering you at the same time. As of this moment, it is fueling a lot of positive opportunities. I’ll take it.