Reality sinks in

First, as always, I would like to express my gratitude for everyone on and off this email list that have reached out to me. I think I need it more than ever right now.

Many have commented on my strength and bravery. I think it’s just because I write these updates when I’m having a “good” day. The truth is that I do not always feel that strong and brave. I thought that after I left the hospital a switch would flip and I would feel so much better in the comfort of my own home. The last few days have proved that my expectations have clashed with reality.

Shortly after I wrote my last update my leg buckled and I fell. As a result the last few days have been spent walking with a walker although I have now graduated to a cane. This was (at least in ┬ámy mind) a big physical and emotional set back for me. The physical therapy has most definitely been improving the motor function in my left quad but it’s a slower process than someone as fiercely independent as me would like. Once the motor function is back the sensory will come back in time. It will get better but it is frustrating. Between that and the digestive issues that resulted from the surgery let alone still having to process my situation- this week has been physically and emotionally taxing. At one point I broke down to my mom and visiting nurse and said “I just can’t take one more thing”. My nurse responded with a simple “Yes you can. You can take one more thing”. It’s true. I’m not actually as weak as I feel right now and I will be able to handle whatever else is thrown at me but right now I’m just tired.

I suppose I should include some uplifting news since I just bummed all of you out for an entire paragraph. Last night was the first night I slept soundly since December 3rd. The days have felt like weeks simply because I cannot get comfortable enough to sleep. Luckily last night the universe cut me a break and allowed a healthy good night’s sleep. THANK HEAVEN. (Must be because of all of the good company that tuckered me out yesterday- shout outs to Sarah, Amie and of course my amazing cousin Sara “Buster Brains” Kaplan)

So next on the horizon is meeting with my oncologist (my life saving angel) tomorrow. We will decide tomorrow the exact date of when my chemo treatment begins. I will keep you all posted with this information.

That’s all I have for now.

With love,