Considering that I have a 7am CT scan tomorrow, I should really be asleep right now. It just hit me that I’m a tiny bit nervous. I’m not concerned about the CT scan itself, I’ve had more than I can count. Generally it’s a pretty straight forward event: 1.) Change into gown 2.) Drink two cups of water 3.) Have nurse access chest port 4.) Pump blue contrast dye through port (EDIT: not blue and not sure why I assumed that) 5.) Lay down (and always accept the warm blanket when offered) 6.) Listen to the robot voice cues: “BREATHE. IN. HOLD. YOUR. BREATH. (pause) BREATHE.” 7.) Glamour shots.

Truth be told it’s the third most relaxing test behind echocardiogram and ultrasound (if you don’t count the needle part). Or perhaps I’m ranking it third because the technicians in the Women and Infant’s Radiology department are some of the nicest people ever so all in all it has become tolerable.

Anyway, the reason I am feeling a little nervous is because I’ve seen great progress since I have started the trial when I was on the max dose. I would hate for that progress to lose its momentum. This will be the first CT scan since the dose reduction so I am not sure what to expect. The obvious best case scenario would be that there is continued tumor reduction and a less favorable but still acceptable outcome would be no change. I doubt that there will be growth considering that my chemo dosage is still considerably high. Despite the outcome, I know in my heart that dose reducing was the best option and I regret nothing.

The most control I have over this situation is to just keep choking down the pills. The outcome is out of my hands so these butterflies in my stomach need to calm the hell down so I can get some sleep.

On a positive note:

MGH ordered an ultrasound on my right leg due to the excessive swelling. As I suspected the ultrasound showed no signs of a blood clot so I was pleased with this news. The last thing I need is a surprise case of deep vein thrombosis. Even the name of the condition sounds painful. Anyway, the jury is still out on my right cankle but it’s nothing serious.

But really this time- SLEEP.

Goodnight moon.