Tag Archives: Taxol

Centering mind & body with family & pie

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I hope that everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving holiday! Hopefully you did not have to rush off to work just yet (sorry Jacque! Retail is a buzz kill).

Thanksgiving this year was different than usual. Because I was scheduled to receive chemo the day after Thanksgiving, it would just be too much for me to drive back to Torrington and home again in 24 hours. Despite the gracious offer to join my cousins, my parents and I had a modified low-key Thanksgiving together on the Cape. We had a phenomenal four course traditional meal at the Daniel Webster Inn. Afterward, my mom and I whipped up a delicious apple pie and a loaf of banana bread using the secret family recipe. I have yet to eat banana bread that rivals my mother’s so it was nice to share this piece of our family history with her.

We ended the night with a marathon of Rummikub. To keep things interesting, I forced my parents to adopt silly rules and claimed them to be “new house rules”. This involved making by parents flap their arms like birds and yell “caw-caw, caw-caw!” whenever they had two tiles remaining.

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I adore my family and do not get to see them often as we are a bit spread out in a few states. As much as I would have liked to share this holiday with my extended family I think it was in my best interest to have a quiet break from life for a couple days in Mashpee. I was able to decompress and recenter myself. I can honestly say I feel much better than when I last wrote.

As I mentioned, today began yet another new cycle of chemo. I received both Taxol and Avastin. I am thrilled that W&I was able to fit me for an early afternoon infusion so that I did not have to rush back from the Cape early in the morning.

**Bonus** There was a therapy dog today! So many kisses and snuggles were had by all!

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Today I receive the updated CA-125. The numbers came back as just over 600, meaning it has doubled since the last reading. Considering the infection that I’ve been fending off, stress, and feeling rundown I am not at all surprised that my numbers shot up. That said, I’m not upset either (and no, this isn’t one of those times where I’m putting on a brave face but secretly sad on the inside. I’m very legitimately okay with this). I chalk this one up to a ‘not-great reading’ and hope that my body is in better condition for the next one.

In the interest of remaining focused on a more positive frame of mind, I want to share a gift from one of my students:

(I appreciate Kim providing me written consent to share her name as well as this gift with you.)

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Relay for Life 2015- Nelly (left), Kim (center), Me (right)

The context surrounding this gift is that before Kim became my advisee, we had crossed paths through Relay for Life and the Izzy Foundation. We bonded over our common experience of being young with cancer and that evolved into her joining my caseload in Advising. She is a stellar student and has a big heart for those around her. I can happily say that she is now cancer-free.

Through Kim, I met another wonderful girl named Nelly. Nelly was a patient at Hasbro with Kim and they became the best of friends under horrible circumstances. Nelly had been fighting Ewing Sarcoma but her suffering came to an end last weekend when she earned her angel wings.

Kim was the first to share the news with me and all weekend I worried about her. When someone close to you passes it is quite obviously devastating. When someone close to you passes of a disease you can relate to there are complex levels of emotion- fear, anger, mourning, survivor’s guilt, etc. It can be hard for some to process.

On Monday afternoon I returned from lunch to find a purple gift bag on my office chair. It contained a card and the framed picture above. Kim had written on every square inch of this card. It then dawned on me that while I was worried all weekend about her, she was also concerned for me.

Below is an excerpt from her card. It helped me to find perspective and I think it can speak to all of us on some level:

“I made this frame myself. There are many flaws and even some scratches, but they represent scars. When I first made this frame, it gave me issues, so I re-did part of it. I didn’t start new because I felt as though the scars (scratches) tell a story, just as all of our do. I kept it like this to show how perfection isn’t everything. Our lives are far from perfect, but we still manage to survive and get through every day.”

I think we can agree that my student is wise beyond her years. There are no accidents in life and this card arrived at a moment when I needed an influx of reminders that it’s okay not feel strong all the time. Beauty still exists within our imperfect worlds.

I consider myself so lucky to work with students with such heart. When people say to me: “I don’t know how you work through all of this!” I wish I could let them be flies on the wall for these kinds of moments packed with such genuine human connectedness.

So in short (HA! Right…) I feel that I am slowly returning to a more centered frame of mind. I am not currently feeling the stress and sadness that lingered over the past few days and I am getting excited for the weeks to come both in and out of work.

Cheers friends, have a happy and safe weekend!

ENJOY ALL OF THOSE LEFTOVER TREATS!

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Three Years

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About 20 days ago I posted a letter to myself in the form of ‘Dear Former Self’. It was an emotionally charged tribute to success in light of illness caught at a moment when I actually felt like I had my shit together. I meant every word of it and I am glad that ’20 days ago’ Jessica wrote it because ‘today Jessica’ really needed a reminder.

Today marks exactly three years since the diagnosis that re-charted my future. I can and do frame this anniversary as a celebration of life and thriving in spite of adversity. Honestly though, ‘today Jessica’ and ‘yesterday Jessica’, and ‘day before that Jessica’ are feeling pretty run down. Exacerbated by another week of chemo and an antibiotic in my system, I feel weak and worn out. My body aches, I’m exhausted, and my stomach is torn to shreds. Moreover, strong emotions float to the surface of my mind.

I left work a little early, curled up with my favorite blankets and watched a mind-numbing amount of Netflix. It turns out this was the best decision I could have made to honor myself today.

 

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(My friend Kerri emailed this to me at work today and it couldn’t have been more well timed)

If I try to pull myself up by my bootstraps any harder I’m going to put my entire foot through the sole. So today, I take the advice of my parents, Cory, my friends, co-workers (and all of the other highly perceptive people that have nudged me to be kinder to myself).

On this third anniversary I do three things:

1.) Re-read ‘Dear former self’ and pat myself on the back for making it this far in spite of crummy circumstances.

2.) Allow myself to be sad (for now). This disease has a thousand silver linings but actually replaying delivery of diagnosis in my mind is incredibly painful and can be difficult to ignore. If only I could use ‘chemo brain’ to selectively forget that moment.

3.) I rest. I shut off my work email, silence my phone, and just allow my body to be still and comfortable. It is working on overdrive to fight the disease and super-overdrive to keep up with the unfair demands I put on it constantly.

 

On a final note, I cannot thank everyone enough that has stood by me over a long three year period of highs and lows. Through the fear, successes, disappointment, and hopeful moments I have never once felt truly alone. I thank you for every pep talk, prayer, or kind “how are you holding up?” check in.

From the bottom of my heart,

Thank-you 

 

Drop it Low

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I’m going to be perfectly honest.  I have hit a wall today where I am beyond exhausted. I’ve spend the majority of the day sleeping during and after chemo. SO I’m going to keep this short and sweet:

CA-125 decreased from 455 to 337 !!!!!!

Tired & Wired

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It’s possible that I’m still recovering from the excitement of the Izzy Gala and NOCC walk and that was almost two weeks ago. I don’t think my body has quite caught up. I have had another round of chemo since and feel perpetually tired and amped up all at the same time.

Sleeping well has been challenging for a combination of reasons. I lay in bed thinking about what I need to do that next day at work, what chores sit undone, what I’m going to eat, treatment schedules, how the new season of Empire will unfold, my hopes, my dreams, my goals… Over and over and over I have these rapid fire thoughts until I finally fall asleep. My weird dreams take over from this point. It’s as if there is a dreamland director saying: “Okay folks, I’ll take it from here. Okay Sam and Diane from Cheers, are you here? GOOD. I need you to make an unexplained appearance in the chemo unit while Jess panics to review a degree audit for a student before the Hamburglar enters the room to stuff Pad Thai in her socks.”

Okay, that’s totally made up but if you’ve ever had a stress dream you get the gist of how you feel when you wake up- totally and utterly unrested.I t’s not that I am even “stressed” in a negative sense, just rapidly thinking. On top of the endless thoughts, eternal acid reflux wakes me up roughly 3-4 times per night.

The reflux should subside soon because Dr. Robison agreed to switch me back to Omeprazole. If anyone reading this suffers from chronic heart burn listen up. YOU NEED THIS IN YOUR LIFE. Omeprazole is a medication that has been sent down from the heavens on a silver platter by actual angels. Your life will change and soon mine will too. If I’m going to have insane stress dreams, without reflux I’ll at least be more likely to ride out the madness until morning.

It is clear that I have quite a bit going on and need to work on quieting my mind before bed. I know what works for me: Hot shower/bath + chamomile tea + no electronics at least 30 minutes before bed + a  Sleep Sonic CD to drift off to = Slam dunk. The key is doing this every night. I’ve had my tea so far tonight so it’s a start.

Aside from regulating sleep and managing fatigue, things are actually pretty good right now. Actually, being the medical anomaly that I am, some odd things are happening to my benefit…

Despite lingering soreness, I am pretty sure that my fingernails have stopped lifting. There was a point over the summer where I couldn’t even scratch my head for fear of losing a nail. Despite the discoloration (they’ve turned blue/black/green/gross) they feel stronger. Why? No effing clue. Not questioning it. Additionally, my hair is growing back! All of it! Even the chunks that totally fell out earlier in the summer. I’m looking forward to growing out my locks again. Hopefully in a few weeks I’ll feel comfortable enough go sans hat to work!

Over dinner last night I told Sheila about these strange occurrences and half-jokingly asked her if they are swapping out Taxol with a placebo. That was answered with an emphatic “NO”. So again, I’ll just be happy that my hair and nails are pulling through and not ask questions.

Final report of the evening is my personal favorite!

At work I have the great fortune of interacting with college students every single day. Every one of them unique, passionate, and engaged in their own way. It is my greatest joy to see students develop as each semester passes. It’s nearly impossible not to feel connected to many of these young adults as their undergraduate advisor.

As of this week, I get to experience that connectedness in a different capacity (don’t worry I’m not changing jobs!). Bryant’s Colleges Against Cancer has approached me to co-advise their club with the magnificent Amanda McGrath. I couldn’t be more excited to use this crummy experience and channel that energy into a campus community that has served me so well through this difficult time.

I’ll chalk that up to another cancer silver lining 🙂

I hope everyone is having a wonderful week. I’m off to fend off some more stress dreams. G’night and continued gratitude.

Contingency Plans

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Little by little I am starting to get a sense of where this treatment plan is going. Baby steps.

I saw my oncologist, Dr. Robison, early this morning before chemo. I had approached this check-up with no expectations. Quite frankly I just assumed it would be a quickie visit: Listen to lungs, feel my belly, take notes on the extent of the side effects, girl talk for a bit, then send me on my way. I was partly right but we did have a productive conversation about future treatment.

In more recent previous posts I had talked a little bit about the frustration I was feeling over not feeling like I was progressing. There is no finish line, no end date, no goal to strive for other than keeping my chin up and staying the course. After my visit with Dr. Robison I left feeling relieved and at ease with what may come even though it is still very uncertain.

I am generally a planner. I like to have an idea of what is to come. With that in mind, I am also fairly adaptable and as long as some sort of plan is in place I can roll with that plan being altered. Bottom line, I do not want to feel stuck or stagnant.

We spoke openly about what tricks she may have up her sleeve for me in the event that the Taxol/Avastin combination is no longer best the course of treatment. In a nutshell this is a tentative plan of attack:

Scenario #1: We take a CA-125 bloodtest next week and the results show a decrease

  • Stay the course with Taxol/Avastin.

Scenario #2: We take a CA-125 blood test next week and the results are unchanged/slightly increase (ex: by 20 or so)

  • Still stable, stay the course with Taxol/Avastin.

Scenario #3: We take a CA-125 blood test next week and the results increase by about 50 or more –> Conduct a CT scan to get a visual on what is actually happening. Is the disease unchanged or progressive?

  • If we do a CT scan and the imaging shows that the tumors are unchanged and there is no new progressive disease we would be inclined to still stay the course with Taxol/Avastin as stable (no new growth = good)
  • If we do a CT scan and the imaging shows progressive disease (new tumors/growth) we may move to a different type of chemotherapy called Doxil.

So what is Doxil you ask?

Doxil is a platinum based chemotherapy called an anthracycline used commonly in recurring low grade ovarian cancer. The American Cancer Society was kind enough to explain this online in plain English for me. This just means that the drug targets enzymes involved in the replication of DNA. Its job is to destroy the cancer cells formed by the botched DNA. Like Taxol, it is not exactly a targeted therapy so it can also destroy normal tissue. One of the benefits of this drug is that it stays in your system a little longer because it is designed to go almost undetected by the immune system. This allows the drug more time to do its job. Or so I read…I am no means an expert on this drug aside from a basic google search.

Based on what I have been told by Dr. Robison and Rosa, my nurse, Doxil is also pretty tolerable. The most common side effects are skin rash (tinging/burning/flaking of the skin on palms of hands and bottoms of feet) and mouth sores. These side effects worry me because I have had variations of both in the past and it is not pleasant. BUT there are always risks with any medication.

IF we decided that a switch to Doxil would be the next step, and it may not need to be, the infusions would only last about an hour once per month. The only other downside is that I would need to be the most patient patient. I was told that they do not typically see any immediate impact on the tumor marker for the first few cycles. It would be another exercise in trust.

The other option that I inquired about is immunotherapy since it is being discussed at length in health media as of late. There is an immunotherapy trial going on at WIH currently but Dr. Robison did not feel that this particular trial is my best next step just yet. She is not ruling it out for the future if it is appropriate for my circumstances down the line.

A lot of information to take in, right? Remember, the plan may not even change! I am just relieved to know what my options are and how I can mentally/physically prepare for what is to come. I really appreciate that my doctor is always one step ahead of me, keeps me informed, doesn’t dismiss my concerns, and is honest with me. That is so important in a doctor/patient relationship.

After the appointment I headed over to the infusion center to see my girl Rosa for Taxol. One of my cancer crushing buddies was kind enough to come by with a HALF DOZEN Allie’s Donuts. If you are from the Rhode Island area- you know what I’m talking about. It’s sugar crack amazing heaven in a box.

Thank you for the visit and treats Jocelyne!

All in all I am feeling ready to move forward no matter what is to come. I find comfort in knowing I have options. Stay tuned for my create your own cancer adventure as we will know more next week.

SO many updates (and lots of pictures!)

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Wow, so much to recap. I haven’t been in a writing mood as of late, which is uncharacteristic of me. As of late I have been incredibly fatigued so any free chance to just zone out and rest is usually spent in front of Netflix or a book.

California Trip:

This is VERY late but I first want to talk about the trip that I took to California a couple weeks ago to visit my brother and his “west coast family”. I was in San Jose for 5 days and I would say that it was the most relaxed and zen I have been in months. My brother, his beautiful girlfriend Lacey, and his friends went out of their way to make sure that I had the best experience possible. I felt like an absolute princess.

Adam’s house, first of all, is gorgeous. I am so proud of this milestone in his life. Also- check out this guest room! (deco credit actually goes to his girlfriend since Adam may or may not have had a minor Bed, Bath and Beyond meltdown)

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We really packed in the activities! Adam was sure to take Lacey and I to one of my favorite restaurants in Capitola, Shadowbrook Restaurant. As seen below (in a picture borrowed from the Shadowbrook website) the restaurant is situated on a steep hill and there is a cable car that can take you down to the restaurant. The food is amazing and we feasted on lobster, scallops, steak, and wine. We were also laughing so hard the entire night (mostly due to my brother’s corny temperature jokes) that we were incapable of taking a normal picture.

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In addition to an extravagant dinner I was also treated to club seats at the Giants v. Cardinals game the next day in San Francisco (thanks to Lacey’s company). The weather was beautiful and we had a blast together. I cannot imagine a more beautiful stadium. Baseball to your left, sailboats to your right, hot dog down the gullet.

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The next day was pretty laid back. Adam’s adopted family Tina and Sumi hosted a seafood boil at their house. So the vast majority of the day was spent lounging in the pool and eating our weight in crab, shrimp, corn, potatoes, and other delights.

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My last full day was sadly spent without my brother since he was busy being a star athlete/drunk person babysitter at a charity golf tournament. His girlfriend was kind enough to take the day off from work to keep me company. I’m pretty sure our terrific lady day surpassed Adam’s golf tourney. We had lunch, got massages, and had a glass of vino in an open air wine bar in Santana Row. Lacey made sure that my last day was entertaining and memorable. I don’t think I stopped laughing the entire day.

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All activities aside some of my favorite parts of the trip were simply spending silly moments with my brother whether it be driving in the car or watching garbage tv in our jammies. We live over 3000 miles apart but our relationship as siblings is always loving and steady. The majority of our time was spent joking, laughing, and watching old WWF Royal Rumbles from the 1990’s (no joke- amazing). I will admit I had one small vulnerable moment when I was reflecting on my health challenges and Adam stopped, gave me a bear hug, and reassured me that I was doing better than I feel I am in the moment. I couldn’t ask for a better sibling, friend, and personal comedian.

I want to thank EVERYONE on the west coast that came out to visit, took time out from their busy schedules for outings, and made sure I was happy and comfortable.

Coming home was challenging. Internally I left Adam’s car and entered the San Jose airport kicking and screaming.

Favata-Farrell Wedding:

The weekend following vacation was another busy one. Sam Favata (my longtime friend, Cory’s Sigma Nu brother, and the person responsible for introducing me to Cory) married his college sweetheart, Alicia. The wedding was a blast! Alicia and Sam couldn’t possibly look happier. The music was amazing and as a result my feet were super swollen the next day from endless dancing.

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Congratulations Favata fam! I hope you are having a blast in St. Lucia!

Health Update:

So enough about recent activities. As you may remember from my previous entry my last blood test results were disappointing. Honestly, it upset me and I felt pretty down. It resulted in a frank conversation with my oncologist about expectations. The long and short of it is that I will be in some sort of treatment for the long haul. It doesn’t look like there will be an end to chemo anytime soon.

I had another blood test when I returned form Calfornia and not surprisingly (to me) it increased again. My last recorded CA-125 was 777.

777slider  Why can’t I get that lucky at Foxwoods?!

So the CA-125 was again not the most favorable but still didn’t go up enough to sound off any major alarms. We will stay the course with this treatment and only scan if it increases enough to cause concern for a third month in a row.

As my brother has reminded me- I cannot be a slave to the numbers and there are roughly a million reasons why it could have increased including the week off from chemo that I had for vacation (which I think was MUCH better for my soul and quite necessary). Again, disappointing news but it wasn’t my undoing this week. Let’s just hope for some sign, ANY sign, that we are moving in the right direction next month.

Other than test results I can report feeling extremely tired all the time. Much can be attributed to a combination of chemo, a high-volume time at work, travel, and what not. Every day this week (except for last night) I passed out on the couch for at least an hour after work before I could even make dinner. Last night I had steroids in me (a Taxol pre-drug) so I have unfortunately been awake for 26 hours and counting…

Everyone cringes when I talk about my fingernails but they are still incredibly sore. It can be best described as similar to the feeling of “the aftermath” of shutting your fingers in a drawer. What has helped tremendously is nightly soaking my nails in warm salt water, keeping them painted to hide the disgusting discoloration, keeping them short so they don’t catch on anything, and wearing rubber dish gloves while I wash dishes or clean my apartment. So far I have all 20 nails in tact. Fingers crossed, they stay where they belong.

2015 NOCC Walk:

We are 15 days away from the 2015 National Ovarian Cancer Coalition walk in Roger Williams park, Providence, RI. So far, thanks to your love and generosity, I have raised $1070 dollars!!!! This is amazing.

I also have an amazing team for the day of the walk. Thank you to those that have signed up so far: Stack Goldman, Michelle Fabs, Sarah Breen, Emily Nason, Kelly Blessing, and Brian Eastman! It is not too late to join this rag-tag group of misfits! If you would like to walk with us on Sunday, September 27th at 9:30am there is still plenty of time to sign up online through my donation page.

To those of you that have donated or shared my donation page, my heart is VERY full. Thank you SO much for your kindness. You have no idea how your donations will help to improve the lives and care of women like myself.

NOCC Walk- Jessica’s Personal Donation Page

I hope everyone has a great week 🙂

“…good news and bad news are often relative to your expectations”

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*Dramatic SIGH* I won’t lie to you friends, I have been having a tough couple of weeks. Part physical, part emotional, there has been a fair bit of annoyances/disappointments to process. Yesterday I went in for my weekly treatment. This … Continue reading →

“She is BALD, Jerry”

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I will preface this entry by saying that I am fresh off of chemo this morning and still feeling the Benadryl haze. I typically try not write the same day I receive chemo. My fear is perceiving that I am … Continue reading →

Summertime Treatment & Sad Farewells

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I hope that everyone had a safe and lively 4th of July weekend. From what I have gathered from social media, sun was soaked in, food was consumed, fireworks were constant, and everyone’s dogs lost their shit. I have spent the past few days on the Cape with my parents, other people’s parents, and in some cases other’s grandparents. Needless to say it has been pretty quiet and relaxing which is just what I need right now after a trying few weeks.

I am disappointed to share that I made the tough decision to rehome Josie. Although I anticipated the challenges of dog parenthood, there are several factors that contributed to it being an overwhelming experience (none of which had to do with her personality, she was great). This is a decision that I did not take lightly, especially because we really bonded. Perhaps under different circumstances I would have been able to manage better but I have to be authentic here and be honest that this was too much. I need to both take care of myself and do right by Josie. She was with a wonderful foster family over the weekend and they were kind enough to send me pictures of her happily romping around with their other dogs the very next day. I have also heard from her new adoptive parents and they are lovely. Josie took to them right away when she met them. Bottom line, I am happy that Josie is loved and safe even if it was not in my home.

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I’ll be a puppy mama again someday but not just yet…

After leaving Josie it was good timing for a small vacation to stay with my parents on the Cape. We had a great time relaxing, reading, coloring (yup, adult coloring books), live jazz/blues and catching up with family friends. We enjoyed panoramic views of fireworks on the beach in Sandwich on the 4th. We also gorged ourselves with delicious BBQ and seafood. We celebrated part one of mama’s birthday last night with great dinner and our favorite, Pirate’s Cove (never too old). All in all I feel much more refreshed and ready to return to work tomorrow.

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How cute are they?! ^

Treatment:

Due to the holiday, the infusion center was closed on Friday so chemo was pushed up one day. I was expecting it to be insanely busy to compensate for the closure but luckily I was still able to get in on time AND somehow get a room with a bed. I was honestly expecting a folding chair in the lobby. I think someone must be bribing the infusion center staff to ensure these accommodations for me because I cannot fathom how lucky I have gotten to have a private room with a bed for every infusion except for one. Nothing is better than being able to shut off the light, snuggle up, and pass out while you pump your veins fulla’ poison.

Side effects:

Fatigue is at an all time high for this treatment. It is really catching up with me as my energy levels aren’t quite bouncing back as quickly as weeks prior. The treatment of Avastin and Taxol really packs more of a punch when it comes to draining energy and I found it tough to get out of bed post infusion last week. I think I came home and slept for at least 3 more hours. I can still function but I’m increasingly sluggish at the moment.

Hand rash has pretty much turned the back of my hands into dinosaur skin. I hope it doesn’t look and feel like this permanently because it’s not pretty. I’ve been using a lot of Aveno, Lubriderm, and prescription hydrocortisone cream to soothe the itch and inflammation and to keep the skin moisturized. This rash is highly sensitive to the sun so no daytime beach trips on the Cape for this girl (don’t worry I’ve subbed that for sunset visits on the beach instead).

Sore fingertips are still a thing, a real complaint. I trimmed my nails down yesterday which has taken some of the pressure off but it is becoming increasingly challenging to perform certain functions such as fastening buttons and clasps or opening containers. My nails are becoming more brittle and I have noticed that the nailbeds are changing in color to a dark red/purple. Some are worse than others. I relieve the inflammation by running my finger tips under cold water. I’m not sure what else I can do besides that and keeping them clean (to avoid bacteria and infection). My mom encouraged me to look into homeopathic remedies but I haven’t hammered down anything yet. Luckily my nails haven’t lifted yet so fingers crossed they don’t and at worst stay sore.

Hair loss– Yep, still balding. Holding on tight. Headbands and wraps are helping to hide the top a bit for now. I honestly don’t know what I want to do yet. Shave and be done with it or ride it out and see what happens? A significant amount of hair has fallen out of the top but at a much slower rate than before making this decision interesting. The jury is still out.

The news you have been waiting for:

My CA-125 results are in, actually I’ve had them for quite a few days, I’ve just been on radio silence on the blog front.

The CA-125 blood test showed a drop from 1184 to 812! We’re in triple digits! As I always say there is still a long way to go but at least we are seeing progress. This is very encouraging for me indeed.

On that note, I hope that everyone is enjoying their summer thus far. Stay tuned for more test results and summer adventures (does binge watching Seinfeld on Hulu count?)

Chemo & a Canine

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My life has taken an interesting turn in the past week. Last week, I wrote about adopting little (big) four-legged furball named Josie. The past week together has been exciting, heart warming, and challenging all at the same time. Josie is a very special pup and I can see why the foster coordinator at Big Fluffy Dog Rescue and her foster mom were so enamoured with her. josiegirl

She looks deeply into your eyes (and possibly into your soul) with such love and purity it is hard not to melt looking at that face. She had such a tough life leading up to being brought into Big Fluffy, I am shocked that this sweet girl can still love and trust so deeply.

Truth be told there have been a few times over the past week where I felt a little overwhelmed/stressed but generally her transition has been good.

Funny story about a particularly challenging evening:

Cory was concerned that she would drag me down the street on walks due to her size in comparison to my size (she weighs about 45 lbs. and I am clocking in at about 100 these days. THAT’S right! I finally tipped the scale!) I can handle a 45 lb. dog but when she is pulling and lunging at small dogs, cats, bikes, and squirrels, it takes some manpower to keep her in check. So on a night where she was particularly overstimulated, I figured I would try and burn off some energy by jogging with her on our last outing of the night. Imagine us in the streets of Providence off of Broadway. We’re running at a pretty decent pace, and I think to myself, “I’m totally going to tucker this girl out, I’m a geni-HOLY SHIT!” Suddenly, I hear a large German Shepherd bark behind a chain link fence to our left and Josie comes to an immediate dead stop. In that moment I run full force into my goddamn dog, trip over her, and land flat on the pavement, hard. It turns out that my demise ended up being my stationary dog acting like a speed bump.

On the bright side, Cory was wrong about this particular concern…

Yes, yes I am. Sorry your honor.

Anyway, this mishap aside, Josie has been pretty great even when I’m at work for the day. I mean, if you left me with a cozy bed and AC all day I’d be pretty psyched too.

There are dog mama perks aside from all of the awesome puppy snuggles and kisses I get everyday. In taking care of Josie it has forced me to be more purposeful with my time and provide better care for both of us. Now I’m not saying every cancer patient should run out and get a dog. Trust me, just a few months ago I was NOT in a place where I was up to this. I will say though, she has nudged me to make some positive changes in my daily routine. Not only do I take lots of walks, but I soak in my neighborhood and the people in it. I wake up earlier, plan mealtime better, and thoroughly clean everyday (she sheds like a fur monster. Thank goodness she doesn’t go on the bed and couch).

This routine has oddly given me energy even though I’m putting in more “work”. I think that these factors can only aid my recovery. Plus that unconditional love and care is just plain good for morale.

Now onto the chemo nitty-gritty.

I am going into my fourth cycle of Taxol/Avastin. Friday of this week will be the longer day where I get both drugs. It has been generally tolerable but I am seeing some annoying side effects start to creep in more and more:

  • Hair loss- No surprise here. I would have thought that I would have shaved by now but the back of my head is still full, it’s just the front that is mega thin. With some strategic combing and headband placement I have been able to dodge the razor for the time being.
  • Dulled taste buds- I am not experiencing the metallic taste that some other patients describe but food last lost it’s luster. I can taste food but everything is much more bland. I find myself gravitating toward stronger flavors and spices than before so I can really enjoy what I’m eating. My appetite is great though!
  • Hand rash- I have a rash on my hands that itches like crazy constantly. Any other cancer crushers out there experiencing this from Taxol? Use, Hydrocortisone cream and cool compresses. It helps although nothing but tapering off the Taxol will make it go away.
  • Sore fingernails- I’m not even kidding. This is actually a thing. My nail beds feel constantly inflamed. After all this time you’d think I would stop googling my medical concerns. All I found were horror stories about people’s nails falling off during/after cancer treatment. So help me I will STAPLE my nails to my fingers if I have to. (Not to worry, my nails are intact). I’ll just deal with it.

This list of complaints in comparison to my list of complaints from previous treatments is nothing. This is living the good life! I’ll take sore finger nails and bland food any day over a daily ride on the puke train.

I can safely say that I’m pretty happy right now. Things will only keep getting better, I’m sure of it.

We are keeping the positive energy going as I get my weekly blood work done tomorrow. It’s a CA-125 week so I’ll be getting an update on my tumor marker Friday.

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