Tag Archives: GYN Cancer

“You’re up for parole!”

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“You’re up for parole!” my nurse exclaimed as she waived my discharge paperwork in the air. I was ready to twirl and prance out of that hospital room this afternoon when I found out that I could go home.

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Yesterday wasn’t too bad, just long and monotonous. I was thrilled when I got my first tray of clears after just being on an IV for a few days. The honeymoon period was quickly over after the 4th tray of the same chicken broth, juice, tea, and jello/”orange ice” arrived this morning.

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One of the doctors on rounds pointed to the tray of clears that had arrived for breakfast and said “you don’t want that, do you?” I gave an enthusiastic heck no and she gave me the green light for solid food. After a successful breakfast and lunch with no snags. I was able to go home.

As I’ve said before, bowel obstructions are not at all uncommon for people like myself that have had invasive abdominal surgeries, especially when the intestine has been resected. To date, I’ve had four obstructions since 2013 that have resulted in a hospitalization of no less than five days. It makes you wonder to what extent you can be preventative and how much you can really control.

So why is this continually happening? Well, we can’t be certain but we have some guesses. Two major reasons that bowel obstructions could occur (and no one reason is not that I’m just “full of shit” as my lovely nurse Sheila likes to say):

  • Tumor pressing on the intestine
  • Adhesions formed that cause the intestine to kink up

The most likely cause of obstruction for me is probably the adhesions because I have had two major, invasive, abdominal surgeries. Naturally there is going to be a ton of scarring. Unfortunately they cannot be seen on a CT scan so it’s hard to tell for sure. If we really got to a point where I was in the hospital every few weeks for obstructions, they could do surgery to remove the adhesions. That; however, would also lead to new adhesions that would form later on so it’s not the best solution unless totally necessary.

So that part is really out of my hands. What I do have control over is what I put in my body and the best course of action is a low residue diet. This means limiting the amount of insoluble fiber I’m eating and making food choices that will digest well and quickly.

Unfortunately this means no raw fruits or veggies, beans, seeds, nuts, hard cheeses, and whole grains. Even soft cooked cruciferous veggies like broccoli are really not good for my guts right now. In order to make sure that I am getting the nutrients I need to stay well and fight this disease it will be on me to find other ways to pack in those nutrients.

That means: Drinking my veggies through blended soups and green smoothies, packing in protein, and supplementing my diet with Ensure*.

*Sidenote- thanks to my loving parents that go above and beyond the call of duty always, I now have about a month’s supply of Ensure in every flavor.

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To all the employees that work for the company that makes Ensure, consider this job security.

Anyway, I really hope to stay out of the hospital. There are so many incredible things on the horizon in the next few months and I want to be out enjoying all of them fully.

I would be remiss if I didn’t speak to the high touch, loving, level of care that I received on 4 East at Women and Infants Hospital. With the exception of one nurse and one CNA, I had been taken care of at least once before by every other nurse and CNA assigned to me. They all remembered me and very specific details of my life. These people just have so much heart, I am lucky to be cared for by them. It matters so much when you are feeling pain/scared/frustrated/sick/vulnerable/all of the above.

Finally, I need to give a special thanks to Cory and my parents for making so many sacrifices this weekend to make sure I was not alone and in a good position to transition back to “normal life”. No mother should have to visit their daughter in the hospital on mother’s day. I love you guys more than I can even say.

Thank you to everyone else that called, texted, commented and left warm words of encouragement. I can imagine after over 3 years of this “I’m in the hospital again” bullcrap some would think “Ugh, again? Get it together Sultaire”. Every well wish and display of kindness means so much and has kept me going all these years. Thank you all ❤

 

 

 

 

Cinco de ‘laudid

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It is nearly 3am and 4 East is quiet. My IV is slowly bringing me back to life as it compensates for the hydration I have lost over the past day and a half. My guts are finally at peace for now. The last push of Dialaudid has slowly helped them to settle and unclench.

No, this is not a flowery description of a recent memory. I’m in the hospital, AGAIN for the same issue- bowel obstruction. This means my small intestine is all kinked up and unhappy. To resolve, no food or drink by mouth (NPO), IV, and painkillers as needed to ease the pain and discomfort. Yet again we play the waiting game.

All I can say is that this is nothing short of frustrating having happened so recently. Especially because everything else has been going so well! I’ll admit when I saw my oncologist today I couldn’t hold back those tears of frustration. She gave me a reassuring hug and reminded me that I don’t need to feel strong and upbeat all the time. Sometimes our circumstances just plain suck. But just like the others, it is temporary and life will go on.

When I told Cory what was happening he didn’t even think twice. Hopped in his car from New Haven and drove straight here. As I write this he is curled up asleep next to me in a hospital room recliner that can’t possibly be comfortable. He’s been a trooper through beeping IV pumps and nurses and CNA’s in and out through the night to take vitals and administer meds. Boyfriend of the century award goes to Cory Tysoe for infinite patience, selflessness, support, humor, and good looks 😊

I’ll also look forward to seeing my parents tomorrow. I’ve been dealing with this particular obstruction since Wednesday afternoon so they have been wonderful coaches/cheerleaders over the phone.

Thanks to friends and family that have gone out of their way to lend support already. For what I lack in intestinal function, I make up for in incredible friendships.

That’s it for now, I’ll keep you posted as we make progress toward drinking/eating/returning home.

Cautiously Optimistic

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Chemocation, oh sweet chemocation. You sure have been good to me.

Since holding the Taxol my hands have returned to their original size. My appetite is much improved and the consistent nausea is all but gone.

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I am grateful for this break to rebuild my body as it has been taken a slow beating over time.

Well folks, let the good times roll because we have decided to continue to hold Taxol and only pursue Avastin for the foreseeable future. I believe I touched on this a few weeks back when I mentioned that we would do a CT scan and “re-evaluate” come summertime.

Ultimately it seemed silly to go back on Taxol for one cycle knowing we may hold it again shortly after. So here is the new plan-

  • Avastin (the antibody) infusion once every three weeks
  • Check up with the oncologist every six weeks
  • CT Scan on May 13th

If the scan shows improvement or at least no new disease, we can stick with this plan. Otherwise, I have the option to go back on Taxol. In any case, there is really no harm in just seeing if Avastin could be enough to keep me well.

One might be asking, “if Taxol has been working, why would you voluntarily drop it?”

My answer lies in faith and trust. I have faith that Avastin (alongside nourishing food/exercise/holistic practices) could be enough to give me the quality of life we have been striving for and slowly achieving after all of this time. I have trust that should this plan reach a point where is must change, we have safety nets in place. As Mom so perfectly stated today, it is perfectly okay to be cautiously optimistic.

So with that, let’s get excited for what is to come. Hopefully improved health, a new home, and a fresh chapter.

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Chemocationing & Making MOVES

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There are three major things that I want to talk about: one piece of news is “eh”, the other is good, and the last is fantastical. Let’s dive in in that order and get pumped up.

 

1.) CA-125

My CA-125 was tested this week and made about a 300 unit jump to the mid 700’s. Not surprising considering the inflammation that likely exists in my body post bowel obstruction. Also my hands have been pretty swollen recently so that never helps the numbers either.

 

Overall I’m not concerned right now. I’m going to start taking the steroid Decadron regularly and see if that helps.

 

2.) Chemocation!

Since I have become “Mr. Balloon hands” we decided that a little break from chemo could be beneficial. I did receive Avastin as scheduled today but I didn’t have to get Taxol. I’ll also have the next two weeks off from it as well. Woo hoo!!!

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and the best for last…

3.) Roommate

I am the most thrilled to share that as of June 1st Cory and I are going to be roommates! (He hates it when I call him that)

Let me rephrase- we are going to be venturing into a new and exciting chapter of our relationship as we just deposited on a house for rent in Pawcatuck, CT. I couldn’t be happier. The house is everything we wanted and more, it’s just 2 minutes down the road from downtown Westerly, 15 minutes from Misquamicut beach, and our landlord is incredibly kind and down to earth. The house is also a commutable distance to both of our jobs so aside from a longer drive, no job sacrifices had to be made.

Finding this house this week was especially timely because it is also our two year anniversary. I am grateful every single day for Sam Favata introducing us at that beer fest. I had no idea on that day I would find one of the greatest support systems on the planet. Remember- I was already very much cancer-fied when Cory met me and he still signed up for this wild journey in spite of it. We have faced a lot as a couple in dealing with this illness and the relationship hasn’t wavered.

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I look forward to building a home life together which includes but is not limited to: Back yard BBQ’s, Cory cooking amazing food, eating said amazing food,  aggressively competitive board game nights and a lot more Nerf wars (I think we’re actually children).

 

That’s all for now! I’m always happy when I can share some positive updates. I hope everyone has a delightful weekend 🙂

 

 

Recovering as George

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First, I must thank you for the outpouring of support over the past week while I spent four nights in the hospital resolving the obstruction in my small intestine. The words of encouragement mean more than you know especially when you feel like much is out of your realm of control.

I was discharged on Wednesday and have been trying, successfully I might add, to proceed with a high level of self-care. I pretty much needed to fight all of my natural instincts. So basically I’m operating on the “Constanza Principle”…

 

  • Instinct #1: I haven’t been at work in many days and I have to go back on Thursday or the world will explode
    • Opposite action: I was strongly encouraged and well supported by my supervisors and colleagues to return on Monday when I was feeling better. I was admittedly starting to feel anxious as my inbox piled up with questions that I couldn’t necessarily answer from home so I made a compromise with myself. I slept in on Thursday and at my leisure went to my office for an hour MAX, closed my office door, knocked out enough to feel less anxious, and went home.
  • Instinct #2: I am discharged which should mean that things are improving. There is nothing to talk about.
    • Opposite action: The night I was discharged one of the first things I did was email Dana, my social worker, at the hospital and ask for an appointment this week to “debrief”.
      • I will write more about this next week but one thing I have learned time and time again and not properly addressed is that when you are hospitalized you have experienced a trauma (anyone who truly understands what it’s like to have an NG tube placed while you’re awake can give me a chorus of “amen sister!”). Trauma’s are not all blood and gore- you are in a vulnerable position, you are not in control of what is happening to you, it is a trauma, period.
      • I went into my appointment not fully knowing what I wanted to talk about. Truly, I walked in there feeling pretty stable. As I anticipated there are issues that bubbled up that started with the hospitalization and weaved into other concerns both medical and non-medical. This appointment was the best gift that I gave myself this week. To express certain concerns out loud, to validate feelings, to have a good cry in a safe space where I don’t feel inclined to edit my thoughts- it was truly healing. I’m glad I nipped this in the bud.
  • Instict #3: Resting = Sitting in pajamas and binge watching TV
    • Opposite action: 
      • Ok fine I totally binge watched The Wire and old episodes of Veep on HBO. BUT I honored myself in other ways too!
      • I invested in my body by booking a massage at the Alayne White Spa. I didn’t truly know how many knots existed in my back until I got on that table. At one point I was face down and was so relaxed that I dosed off. I woke up to my mouth gaped open like an idiot and I was totally drooling on the floor through that little face hole. I’m 99.9% sure I didn’t drool on the massage therapist’s sneakers. Fingers crossed.
        • Funny aside: As I was on my way out post-massage I ran into Heather (infusion center nurse manager) and Nancy (4th floor oncology nurse). They were there for facials that they won at a silent auction. One would think that any reminder of the hospital the day after a hospitalization would conjure up negative feelings. I was just so happy to see these lovely faces outside of a medical setting I had to fight back happy-tears.
      • In addition to the massage I also treated myself to some time in one of the more peaceful venues in Providence, The Duck and Bunny. I enjoyed a quiet snack of crusty break drizzled with olive oil with Narragansett  Creamery ricotta and a pot of chamomile tea. It was calming and so good for the soul.
  • Instinct #4: I’m out of the hospital which means I’m capable of doing things for myself
    • Opposite action: Sucking it up and letting people offer their help because it just makes life easier
      • Mom and Dad cleaned up and did my laundry so I could come home to minimal work (seriously, gems). Also after arriving home after 15 minutes of me trying to convince them that I’d “figure out” something for lunch, I gave in and let them indulge me in a sandwich from Olga’s. I would have probably made a PBJ so they called my bluff.
      • Katie “Mamamamamabear” Carlson gave me a ride to Beth and Brendan’s house to dye easter eggs with her family. Sure, I could drive myself but it was very nice to have a ride. (p.s. I’m not very good at dying easter eggs #jewishkidproblems)

 

So there we go, trying desperately to practice self-care that I speak so highly of but don’t often practice.

Off to spend the weekend with my parents and back to work on Monday, hello sh-normalcy!

 

 

 

Maximizing Chemocation

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As I sip on a delicious Rhody from Vanuatu Coffee Roasters I soak in the last 40 minutes of normalcy before heading into a new chemo cycle. Today is the big one- Taxol and Avastin. I expect to be pretty beat this weekend but as always I am hoping for the best.

To quickly recap last week’s chemocation I REALLY packed it in. I joined Aaron, the Director of Advising, for the 2016 NACADA Region 1 Conference in Portland, Maine. It is always refreshing to see what other schools are up to, absorb new best practices, discuss issues in higher education, and to also see what we’re doing well. As my Instagram account reflected, Aaron and I were pretty damn gluttonous in Portland. You just can’t not be. Our highlight was certainly tasting the tomato fennel soup, poutine, and salted caramel milkshake from Duck Fat.

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Needless to say, my return home has resulted in compensating with a lot  of fruits and vegetables.

Just when I returned home I pretty much unpacked just to pack again. My handsome, intelligent, mancrush everyday- Cory Tysoe had a birthday! He has now reached the ripe age of 28 which means that I am officially no longer a cougar (until January when I turn 29). To celebrate we utilized a holiday present from my parents and headed to Vermont to Mt. Snow. Unfortunately the weather wasn’t totally cooperative so Cory didn’t get much time on the mountain before getting pelted by hail.

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We spent a good majority of our time testing our relationship through Farkle and Risk. Anyone who knows me knows that I am generally not at all competitive. Like for real I bowled a forty the other day. FORTY. And that was better than expected. That said, there are a few things for which I am fiercely competitive- Scrabble, Risk, and Farkle.

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I was happy to cozy up by the fireplace and toss some dice around while ruthlessly talking shit to each other although next year I may join the toddlers on the bunny hill and give skiing a shot. We’ll see…

So that brings us to St. Patrick’s day, yesterday. Sarah, my former coworker Krystal, and I threw a St. Patty’s party in the Izzy Room at Hasbro Children’s Hospital. We decked out the room in festive green, Bob and Timmy’s donated SIX pizzas, and we offered crafts and cookie decorating. Although the party only yielded three physical attendees I would still call it a success. There were several children that were too sick or not allowed to leave their rooms. What we ended up doing was essentially creating a “party on the go”. We delivered pizza and some craft supplies to a mother of an 11 month old in the PIC unit. We also packed up pizza, cookies, st. patty’s swag, and crafts for parents and nurses to bring back to the rooms of families that wanted to be at the party but couldn’t. In any case the Izzy Foundation was able to bring a little cheer to people going through tough time.

The three of us had a blast 🙂

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^ Mine is the one with the fuzzy eyebrows 

Last but not least, I met with Dr. Robison yesterday for the usual chemo exam. She was pleased with the outcome of using the steroid and gave me the green light to keep taking it in line with the chemo cycles if it is helping.

We won’t have an updated CA125 until later today or Monday so I’m not sure where that stands right now but she said that if it made a significant jump upward she would be inclined to scan me. If it is a small increase or lower/unchanged the plan is to scan this summer as we previously discussed.

Soooooo that’s all folks.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy weekend!

 

 

 

Make Plans and Cancel Them (Maybe)

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We measure wellness constantly. In my world this is mainly accomplished by making me hold my breath while being shoved through an oversized donut (CT scan) or sucking blood out of my veins by a professional vampire (phlebotomist). Just last week my primary care measured wellness using a battery of blood tests that lead me to believe that she thinks I’m malnourished. BUT in the encouraging words of my PCP: (*clears throat for best thick Russian accent) “Just LEEETLE beeet more protein. You be okay.”

Not a week has gone by in recent years where I didn’t have some kind of medical test keeping tabs on me. Are my CA-125 levels up? How are my blood counts? How big are those tumors?

It wasn’t until just today that I realized there is another test of wellness, albeit a very simple and unscientific test…

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My willingness and ability to make BIG plans and keep them.

Now I don’t mean dinner and drinks on a Tuesday night after work (although keeping real pants on after 5pm is a drag). I mean looking six months down the road and saying, “Well, heck yeah! I’m absolutely down to fly to Iceland and explore aimlessly.”

Not that Iceland is set in stone but I use it as an example, a benchmark really, for my confidence in my body’s ability to behave for more than 10 goddamn seconds at a time. There was a time, not long ago, that the thought of leaving the country with this illness terrified me. What if I have an intestinal obstruction? What if I’m too sick to stick to our plans? Straying far from Women and Infants, my medical security blanket, seemed impossible.

Just a year ago there were days where I wouldn’t even commit to going to a restaurant in anticipation of throwing up endlessly and/or having my stomach explode.

Now, I’m in a place where I feel well-enough, more often. Not great all the time, far from it. But well-enough to take greater control of my desires in life and the confidence to carry out those plans. So when Cory pitched the idea of researching Iceland, my first thought wasn’t “holy crap what will I do if I’m too sick?”, it was “holy crap I totally need to save every spare penny to make this happen.”

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One of the best pieces of advice that I have continually soaked in from other cancer crushers is “make plans and cancel them”. Look to the future, always, but give yourself permission to back-out without guilt if you get there and your body isn’t cooperating.

So aside from the tumor markers and scans, my newest (and possibly most important) measurement of wellness is the frequency and manner in which I look to the future and make big plans. To plan beyond the everyday is certainly indicative of a slow and steady increase in wellness, quality of life, and most of all- PROGRESS.

See you under the northern lights.

Twenty-Eight

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As of yesterday I am officially 28 years of age and it feels…pretty good, actually.

Some people hate their birthdays. Understandably comparing carefree youth with bills and perpetual acid reflux would sour anyone on getting older. Being that I am only 28, I am not a wise old owl in the position to tell anyone how to feel about birthdays but I am happy to share with you how I have come to regard my own.

From the age of 24 my body has been forced to share space with cancer- an asshole roommate that doesn’t pay rent and ignores eviction notices. I’m not one for focusing on survival rates and cancer stats because they’re not conducive to a positive frame of mind. Let’s just say, the stats are not typically in the favor of women with late stage ovarian cancer. That said, every birthday after 24 is more important than the last. Each passing January 4th is a trophy. It is a symbol that cancer isn’t winning.

Hey cancer- go kick rocks, I’m racking up birthdays here.

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On Sunday my parents passed through Providence for birthday lunch at Red Stripe. Anyone that knows Providence well can appreciate that a chilly-day calls for Red Stripe tomato soup and grilled cheese (with pesto, pear, and prosciutto…nom nom nom). They also kindly treated me with gorgeous flowers and a fruit tart. It was a really nice time to catch up with one another. Who better to kick off your birthday with than the folks that were there since the beginning- you know, that day when the stork dropped me off at their doorstep.

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Celebrations will resume this weekend but my actual birthday was just a quiet day at work followed by a quiet evening. Call me boring but after all of the fun and travel surrounding December’s holidays I’m happy to stay put and have some downtime. The festivities will resume this weekend with friends.

I was so touched by all of the phone calls, text messages, emails and facebook well-wishes yesterday! I am a very lucky girl to know so many thoughtful people.

Reading all of the kind birthday messages left me feeling like Ron Swanson on Snake Juice. THANK YOUUUUU!!!

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Centering mind & body with family & pie

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I hope that everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving holiday! Hopefully you did not have to rush off to work just yet (sorry Jacque! Retail is a buzz kill).

Thanksgiving this year was different than usual. Because I was scheduled to receive chemo the day after Thanksgiving, it would just be too much for me to drive back to Torrington and home again in 24 hours. Despite the gracious offer to join my cousins, my parents and I had a modified low-key Thanksgiving together on the Cape. We had a phenomenal four course traditional meal at the Daniel Webster Inn. Afterward, my mom and I whipped up a delicious apple pie and a loaf of banana bread using the secret family recipe. I have yet to eat banana bread that rivals my mother’s so it was nice to share this piece of our family history with her.

We ended the night with a marathon of Rummikub. To keep things interesting, I forced my parents to adopt silly rules and claimed them to be “new house rules”. This involved making by parents flap their arms like birds and yell “caw-caw, caw-caw!” whenever they had two tiles remaining.

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I adore my family and do not get to see them often as we are a bit spread out in a few states. As much as I would have liked to share this holiday with my extended family I think it was in my best interest to have a quiet break from life for a couple days in Mashpee. I was able to decompress and recenter myself. I can honestly say I feel much better than when I last wrote.

As I mentioned, today began yet another new cycle of chemo. I received both Taxol and Avastin. I am thrilled that W&I was able to fit me for an early afternoon infusion so that I did not have to rush back from the Cape early in the morning.

**Bonus** There was a therapy dog today! So many kisses and snuggles were had by all!

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Today I receive the updated CA-125. The numbers came back as just over 600, meaning it has doubled since the last reading. Considering the infection that I’ve been fending off, stress, and feeling rundown I am not at all surprised that my numbers shot up. That said, I’m not upset either (and no, this isn’t one of those times where I’m putting on a brave face but secretly sad on the inside. I’m very legitimately okay with this). I chalk this one up to a ‘not-great reading’ and hope that my body is in better condition for the next one.

In the interest of remaining focused on a more positive frame of mind, I want to share a gift from one of my students:

(I appreciate Kim providing me written consent to share her name as well as this gift with you.)

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Relay for Life 2015- Nelly (left), Kim (center), Me (right)

The context surrounding this gift is that before Kim became my advisee, we had crossed paths through Relay for Life and the Izzy Foundation. We bonded over our common experience of being young with cancer and that evolved into her joining my caseload in Advising. She is a stellar student and has a big heart for those around her. I can happily say that she is now cancer-free.

Through Kim, I met another wonderful girl named Nelly. Nelly was a patient at Hasbro with Kim and they became the best of friends under horrible circumstances. Nelly had been fighting Ewing Sarcoma but her suffering came to an end last weekend when she earned her angel wings.

Kim was the first to share the news with me and all weekend I worried about her. When someone close to you passes it is quite obviously devastating. When someone close to you passes of a disease you can relate to there are complex levels of emotion- fear, anger, mourning, survivor’s guilt, etc. It can be hard for some to process.

On Monday afternoon I returned from lunch to find a purple gift bag on my office chair. It contained a card and the framed picture above. Kim had written on every square inch of this card. It then dawned on me that while I was worried all weekend about her, she was also concerned for me.

Below is an excerpt from her card. It helped me to find perspective and I think it can speak to all of us on some level:

“I made this frame myself. There are many flaws and even some scratches, but they represent scars. When I first made this frame, it gave me issues, so I re-did part of it. I didn’t start new because I felt as though the scars (scratches) tell a story, just as all of our do. I kept it like this to show how perfection isn’t everything. Our lives are far from perfect, but we still manage to survive and get through every day.”

I think we can agree that my student is wise beyond her years. There are no accidents in life and this card arrived at a moment when I needed an influx of reminders that it’s okay not feel strong all the time. Beauty still exists within our imperfect worlds.

I consider myself so lucky to work with students with such heart. When people say to me: “I don’t know how you work through all of this!” I wish I could let them be flies on the wall for these kinds of moments packed with such genuine human connectedness.

So in short (HA! Right…) I feel that I am slowly returning to a more centered frame of mind. I am not currently feeling the stress and sadness that lingered over the past few days and I am getting excited for the weeks to come both in and out of work.

Cheers friends, have a happy and safe weekend!

ENJOY ALL OF THOSE LEFTOVER TREATS!

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Three Years

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About 20 days ago I posted a letter to myself in the form of ‘Dear Former Self’. It was an emotionally charged tribute to success in light of illness caught at a moment when I actually felt like I had my shit together. I meant every word of it and I am glad that ’20 days ago’ Jessica wrote it because ‘today Jessica’ really needed a reminder.

Today marks exactly three years since the diagnosis that re-charted my future. I can and do frame this anniversary as a celebration of life and thriving in spite of adversity. Honestly though, ‘today Jessica’ and ‘yesterday Jessica’, and ‘day before that Jessica’ are feeling pretty run down. Exacerbated by another week of chemo and an antibiotic in my system, I feel weak and worn out. My body aches, I’m exhausted, and my stomach is torn to shreds. Moreover, strong emotions float to the surface of my mind.

I left work a little early, curled up with my favorite blankets and watched a mind-numbing amount of Netflix. It turns out this was the best decision I could have made to honor myself today.

 

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(My friend Kerri emailed this to me at work today and it couldn’t have been more well timed)

If I try to pull myself up by my bootstraps any harder I’m going to put my entire foot through the sole. So today, I take the advice of my parents, Cory, my friends, co-workers (and all of the other highly perceptive people that have nudged me to be kinder to myself).

On this third anniversary I do three things:

1.) Re-read ‘Dear former self’ and pat myself on the back for making it this far in spite of crummy circumstances.

2.) Allow myself to be sad (for now). This disease has a thousand silver linings but actually replaying delivery of diagnosis in my mind is incredibly painful and can be difficult to ignore. If only I could use ‘chemo brain’ to selectively forget that moment.

3.) I rest. I shut off my work email, silence my phone, and just allow my body to be still and comfortable. It is working on overdrive to fight the disease and super-overdrive to keep up with the unfair demands I put on it constantly.

 

On a final note, I cannot thank everyone enough that has stood by me over a long three year period of highs and lows. Through the fear, successes, disappointment, and hopeful moments I have never once felt truly alone. I thank you for every pep talk, prayer, or kind “how are you holding up?” check in.

From the bottom of my heart,

Thank-you