Category Archives: Uncategorized

Twenty-Eight

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As of yesterday I am officially 28 years of age and it feels…pretty good, actually.

Some people hate their birthdays. Understandably comparing carefree youth with bills and perpetual acid reflux would sour anyone on getting older. Being that I am only 28, I am not a wise old owl in the position to tell anyone how to feel about birthdays but I am happy to share with you how I have come to regard my own.

From the age of 24 my body has been forced to share space with cancer- an asshole roommate that doesn’t pay rent and ignores eviction notices. I’m not one for focusing on survival rates and cancer stats because they’re not conducive to a positive frame of mind. Let’s just say, the stats are not typically in the favor of women with late stage ovarian cancer. That said, every birthday after 24 is more important than the last. Each passing January 4th is a trophy. It is a symbol that cancer isn’t winning.

Hey cancer- go kick rocks, I’m racking up birthdays here.

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On Sunday my parents passed through Providence for birthday lunch at Red Stripe. Anyone that knows Providence well can appreciate that a chilly-day calls for Red Stripe tomato soup and grilled cheese (with pesto, pear, and prosciutto…nom nom nom). They also kindly treated me with gorgeous flowers and a fruit tart. It was a really nice time to catch up with one another. Who better to kick off your birthday with than the folks that were there since the beginning- you know, that day when the stork dropped me off at their doorstep.

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Celebrations will resume this weekend but my actual birthday was just a quiet day at work followed by a quiet evening. Call me boring but after all of the fun and travel surrounding December’s holidays I’m happy to stay put and have some downtime. The festivities will resume this weekend with friends.

I was so touched by all of the phone calls, text messages, emails and facebook well-wishes yesterday! I am a very lucky girl to know so many thoughtful people.

Reading all of the kind birthday messages left me feeling like Ron Swanson on Snake Juice. THANK YOUUUUU!!!

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Pressing on

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Not writing is usually indicative of a rut or internal conflict. Truthfully, I haven’t had much to say.

I am realizing that a common misconception is that I am done with treatment since my hair is growing back. I wish that were the case. Despite the oddity of my hair growing in spite of Taxol (the drug that makes it jump ship) I have still had weekly chemotherapy infusions every Friday.

(and if you look closely you’ll see that I have a total of FOUR eyelashes on my left eye only and pretty much no eyebrows to speak of)

“When are you scheduled to finish?”…

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^my reply.

I toggle frequently between frustration and acceptance that second line chemo for recurrent metastatic cancer is not at all like first line treatment. (I should add a disclaimer that my breakdown below is based entirely on my own experience. This may not be true for all cancers/patients)

  • First line treatment – highly aggressive with the primary aim of cure.
    • Ex: Surgeries/de-bulking, Intraperitoneal Chemo given in high dosages in fewer rounds, etc.
  • Second line treatment – less aggressive up front with a stronger focus on quality of life and stabilizing disease.*
    • Ex: Smaller dosages of chemo given over a longer/sometimes undetermined amount of time
      • *Let me be clear that this does not mean that everyone has jumped ship from the idea of cure (I sure haven’t because goddamn it I’m persistent). That would be anyone’s ultimate hope but given the resistant nature of this disease treatment is focused on providing the best life possible.

So for anyone wondering-

Yes I’m still plugging away every Friday with chemo infusions. No, there is no end date. Yes, my favorite color is purple. No, Ryan Gosling, I cannot be your date to the Golden Globes but I’m flattered.

This morning I met with Dr. Robison to check in and do a chemo exam.

My CA-125 has increased again to 785 (up around 100 or so from last time). My inclination is that this number is influenced by the infection in my nails that I’ve been trying to fend off, a result of Taxol.

As Sheila so perfectly phrased it: “Well your numbers definitely do spike when your nails get all gooey”

For real, my nails are a disaster. Oozy, discolored, gross. I hope the ladies at Metronails didn’t think I forgot about them. Manicures/Pedicures just aren’t safe right now.

Dr. Robison ordered a CT scan for January 8th to rule out disease progression. In my gut I really don’t think I have disease progression but I’m happy that we’ll have a looksie to be sure.

We also discussed and agreed upon switching up the treatment schedule slightly to ease up on my body a bit.

This is my current treatment schedule:

Week #1- Taxol & Avastin

Week #2- Taxol only

Week #3- Taxol only

Lather, rinse, repeat the following week.

Now we are moving to a 4 week cycle schedule:

Week #1- Taxol & Avastin

Week #2- Taxol only

Week #3- Taxol only

Week #4- NO TREATMENT

That’s right party people, a mini-chemocation every 4 weeks.

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That’s all I have to report for now but I will certainly be posting the results of the CT scan in January when I know more.

I hope that everyone enjoys a safe and stress-free holiday season. I’m pulling my cancer card to mandate that you all take time to be kind to yourselves and watch a marathon of: Home Alone, Elf, and Christmas Vacation.

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Centering mind & body with family & pie

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I hope that everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving holiday! Hopefully you did not have to rush off to work just yet (sorry Jacque! Retail is a buzz kill).

Thanksgiving this year was different than usual. Because I was scheduled to receive chemo the day after Thanksgiving, it would just be too much for me to drive back to Torrington and home again in 24 hours. Despite the gracious offer to join my cousins, my parents and I had a modified low-key Thanksgiving together on the Cape. We had a phenomenal four course traditional meal at the Daniel Webster Inn. Afterward, my mom and I whipped up a delicious apple pie and a loaf of banana bread using the secret family recipe. I have yet to eat banana bread that rivals my mother’s so it was nice to share this piece of our family history with her.

We ended the night with a marathon of Rummikub. To keep things interesting, I forced my parents to adopt silly rules and claimed them to be “new house rules”. This involved making by parents flap their arms like birds and yell “caw-caw, caw-caw!” whenever they had two tiles remaining.

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I adore my family and do not get to see them often as we are a bit spread out in a few states. As much as I would have liked to share this holiday with my extended family I think it was in my best interest to have a quiet break from life for a couple days in Mashpee. I was able to decompress and recenter myself. I can honestly say I feel much better than when I last wrote.

As I mentioned, today began yet another new cycle of chemo. I received both Taxol and Avastin. I am thrilled that W&I was able to fit me for an early afternoon infusion so that I did not have to rush back from the Cape early in the morning.

**Bonus** There was a therapy dog today! So many kisses and snuggles were had by all!

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Today I receive the updated CA-125. The numbers came back as just over 600, meaning it has doubled since the last reading. Considering the infection that I’ve been fending off, stress, and feeling rundown I am not at all surprised that my numbers shot up. That said, I’m not upset either (and no, this isn’t one of those times where I’m putting on a brave face but secretly sad on the inside. I’m very legitimately okay with this). I chalk this one up to a ‘not-great reading’ and hope that my body is in better condition for the next one.

In the interest of remaining focused on a more positive frame of mind, I want to share a gift from one of my students:

(I appreciate Kim providing me written consent to share her name as well as this gift with you.)

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Relay for Life 2015- Nelly (left), Kim (center), Me (right)

The context surrounding this gift is that before Kim became my advisee, we had crossed paths through Relay for Life and the Izzy Foundation. We bonded over our common experience of being young with cancer and that evolved into her joining my caseload in Advising. She is a stellar student and has a big heart for those around her. I can happily say that she is now cancer-free.

Through Kim, I met another wonderful girl named Nelly. Nelly was a patient at Hasbro with Kim and they became the best of friends under horrible circumstances. Nelly had been fighting Ewing Sarcoma but her suffering came to an end last weekend when she earned her angel wings.

Kim was the first to share the news with me and all weekend I worried about her. When someone close to you passes it is quite obviously devastating. When someone close to you passes of a disease you can relate to there are complex levels of emotion- fear, anger, mourning, survivor’s guilt, etc. It can be hard for some to process.

On Monday afternoon I returned from lunch to find a purple gift bag on my office chair. It contained a card and the framed picture above. Kim had written on every square inch of this card. It then dawned on me that while I was worried all weekend about her, she was also concerned for me.

Below is an excerpt from her card. It helped me to find perspective and I think it can speak to all of us on some level:

“I made this frame myself. There are many flaws and even some scratches, but they represent scars. When I first made this frame, it gave me issues, so I re-did part of it. I didn’t start new because I felt as though the scars (scratches) tell a story, just as all of our do. I kept it like this to show how perfection isn’t everything. Our lives are far from perfect, but we still manage to survive and get through every day.”

I think we can agree that my student is wise beyond her years. There are no accidents in life and this card arrived at a moment when I needed an influx of reminders that it’s okay not feel strong all the time. Beauty still exists within our imperfect worlds.

I consider myself so lucky to work with students with such heart. When people say to me: “I don’t know how you work through all of this!” I wish I could let them be flies on the wall for these kinds of moments packed with such genuine human connectedness.

So in short (HA! Right…) I feel that I am slowly returning to a more centered frame of mind. I am not currently feeling the stress and sadness that lingered over the past few days and I am getting excited for the weeks to come both in and out of work.

Cheers friends, have a happy and safe weekend!

ENJOY ALL OF THOSE LEFTOVER TREATS!

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Three Years

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About 20 days ago I posted a letter to myself in the form of ‘Dear Former Self’. It was an emotionally charged tribute to success in light of illness caught at a moment when I actually felt like I had my shit together. I meant every word of it and I am glad that ’20 days ago’ Jessica wrote it because ‘today Jessica’ really needed a reminder.

Today marks exactly three years since the diagnosis that re-charted my future. I can and do frame this anniversary as a celebration of life and thriving in spite of adversity. Honestly though, ‘today Jessica’ and ‘yesterday Jessica’, and ‘day before that Jessica’ are feeling pretty run down. Exacerbated by another week of chemo and an antibiotic in my system, I feel weak and worn out. My body aches, I’m exhausted, and my stomach is torn to shreds. Moreover, strong emotions float to the surface of my mind.

I left work a little early, curled up with my favorite blankets and watched a mind-numbing amount of Netflix. It turns out this was the best decision I could have made to honor myself today.

 

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(My friend Kerri emailed this to me at work today and it couldn’t have been more well timed)

If I try to pull myself up by my bootstraps any harder I’m going to put my entire foot through the sole. So today, I take the advice of my parents, Cory, my friends, co-workers (and all of the other highly perceptive people that have nudged me to be kinder to myself).

On this third anniversary I do three things:

1.) Re-read ‘Dear former self’ and pat myself on the back for making it this far in spite of crummy circumstances.

2.) Allow myself to be sad (for now). This disease has a thousand silver linings but actually replaying delivery of diagnosis in my mind is incredibly painful and can be difficult to ignore. If only I could use ‘chemo brain’ to selectively forget that moment.

3.) I rest. I shut off my work email, silence my phone, and just allow my body to be still and comfortable. It is working on overdrive to fight the disease and super-overdrive to keep up with the unfair demands I put on it constantly.

 

On a final note, I cannot thank everyone enough that has stood by me over a long three year period of highs and lows. Through the fear, successes, disappointment, and hopeful moments I have never once felt truly alone. I thank you for every pep talk, prayer, or kind “how are you holding up?” check in.

From the bottom of my heart,

Thank-you 

 

You bleed it, you bought it

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(PREFACE: Earlier I accidentally published a draft of this entry and quickly deleted it. For subscribers- please ignore the first email you received and read this new, improved, polished version. Thanks! -The Management)

Over course of the past year I spent some time on the Women and Infant’s Hospital Family and Patient Advocacy Council (it’s a mouthful…thank goodness we didn’t get business cards). In that time I had the great pleasure of meeting a few other patients as well as connecting with staff and administrators of the hospital. There was one ovarian cancer patient that stood out to me, Rhonda. This woman is kind, honest, and upfront with her ideas and experiences.

There was one day several months ago when I was at the point in my clinical trial treatment where I just had enough. I hadn’t vocalized it to my medical team yet and it was causing me a great deal of anxiety. After the PFAC meeting I happened to pass Rhonda in the hallway on the way to the bathroom. Now keep in mind that outside of this group, I really didn’t know her at all. She asked how I was doing and often times those words are just enough to drive an overly emotional person like myself into a tear fueled tizzy.

I divulged to her the inner conflict that I was having about my treatment options and the fear that I was making the wrong choice in light of how high the stakes are. She listened intently, not breaking eye contact. You can really see it in someone’s eyes when they understand your fear and struggle. She knew well. Despite having high stakes challenges of her own, Rhonda was reassuring and purely optimistic without being dismissive. I felt so understood by someone that didn’t have to understand me. I felt so cared for by someone that didn’t have to care- but she did. That interaction stayed with me.

As time went on and transitioned into new treatment I felt that it was best to take some time away from the council. That being said I haven’t seen Rhonda but through a very sweet oncology nurse, more recently we were able to keep up with one another.

I received news that Rhonda left the physical world yesterday morning. I am heartbroken but glad to know that she was at home, surrounded by her loved ones.

Despite our limited interactions, this woman had such a profound impact on me. When I learned of her passing it felt like a punch in the gut. Part sadness for the suffering she and her family endured, especially in her final weeks. Part fear over the grim reality of this disease and how quickly things can change. I am fully aware that we have different bodies, different circumstances, but regardless it hit close to home.

My sincerest condolences go out to anyone that had the pleasure of knowing, treating, or loving this woman. I know she was a fan favorite at WIH.

The last two days since finding out about Rhonda has left me feeling a bit out of sorts. After work today I was sitting in my apartment trying to distract myself with Netflix but I was just too antsy. After running an errand I ended up at my Mecca, the book store. I am the child of two voracious readers so it is only appropriate that in times of inner turmoil, I turn to the bookstore for distraction and clarity.There is a little book shop in Wayland Square called Books on the Square that I absolutely love.

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(Don’t worry this is where the story takes an entertaining turn)

So I’m browsing the latest selections and pick up a book off of the Biography shelf purely for its eye catching title (and NYT Best Seller Status)

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I like to open to a random page and read a paragraph out of context to get a feel for a book when I’m browsing. I crack the book open (honestly thinking that I’ll just read a few lines, say ehhh, and return it to its standard, upright position). Before I can read a single word- DRIP. DROP. Captain we have a nosebleed.

I BLED into this book. Seriously…

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It also seeped into the page before and after it. Whoops.

I did have that momentary: “I could probably just put this back…” thought but in good conscience I couldn’t possibly re-shelve a book that I just BLED into.

The bookstore clerk was kind enough to provide me with some tissues as I continued to gush blood into my hand. I politely tried not to leave my DNA all over the store and quickly excused myself to the bathroom to clean myself up. When the pipelines dried up, I returned to the counter and sheepishly shrugged: “ummm so I guess I’m buying this now?” The clerk must have felt bad for me because she gave me a 30% discount ( I mean after all, there was blood in my book. No need to point fingers as to how it got there…).

Well my friends, there are no accidents. I think I was destined to read this book that I was going to carelessly return to the shelf (pre-Bloodkstock ’15). It turns out that The End of Your Life Book Club recounts a man’s experience of his mother’s pancreatic cancer treatment and the bond that they shared over trading and discussing literature. From what I have read so far, it brings to light how powerful the written word can be as a common thread between individuals facing great upheaval.

I am only 45 pages in but perhaps there is something to be learned from this book. If there is, I will be sure to report back! One of the book’s themes deals with issues of mortality. If anything it will force me to really process Rhonda’s passing and not internalize it from a place of fear but more from a place of acceptance and understanding.

Well friends, read on (but don’t bleed all over the merchandise, it’s frowned upon)

Rhonda- keep shining 🙂

“She is BALD, Jerry”

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I will preface this entry by saying that I am fresh off of chemo this morning and still feeling the Benadryl haze. I typically try not write the same day I receive chemo. My fear is perceiving that I am … Continue reading →

“Your stars will realign and things will get a little bit better”

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I read this article in Cosmopolitan a few days ago (thanks Mom!): I Have Cancer…And It Sucks by 25-year old Deanna Pai, Cosmo Beauty Editor. Go ahead, it’s a quick read. I’ll wait… Crib notes for lazy bones: Deanna is young, has … Continue reading →

Summertime Treatment & Sad Farewells

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I hope that everyone had a safe and lively 4th of July weekend. From what I have gathered from social media, sun was soaked in, food was consumed, fireworks were constant, and everyone’s dogs lost their shit. I have spent the past few days on the Cape with my parents, other people’s parents, and in some cases other’s grandparents. Needless to say it has been pretty quiet and relaxing which is just what I need right now after a trying few weeks.

I am disappointed to share that I made the tough decision to rehome Josie. Although I anticipated the challenges of dog parenthood, there are several factors that contributed to it being an overwhelming experience (none of which had to do with her personality, she was great). This is a decision that I did not take lightly, especially because we really bonded. Perhaps under different circumstances I would have been able to manage better but I have to be authentic here and be honest that this was too much. I need to both take care of myself and do right by Josie. She was with a wonderful foster family over the weekend and they were kind enough to send me pictures of her happily romping around with their other dogs the very next day. I have also heard from her new adoptive parents and they are lovely. Josie took to them right away when she met them. Bottom line, I am happy that Josie is loved and safe even if it was not in my home.

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I’ll be a puppy mama again someday but not just yet…

After leaving Josie it was good timing for a small vacation to stay with my parents on the Cape. We had a great time relaxing, reading, coloring (yup, adult coloring books), live jazz/blues and catching up with family friends. We enjoyed panoramic views of fireworks on the beach in Sandwich on the 4th. We also gorged ourselves with delicious BBQ and seafood. We celebrated part one of mama’s birthday last night with great dinner and our favorite, Pirate’s Cove (never too old). All in all I feel much more refreshed and ready to return to work tomorrow.

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How cute are they?! ^

Treatment:

Due to the holiday, the infusion center was closed on Friday so chemo was pushed up one day. I was expecting it to be insanely busy to compensate for the closure but luckily I was still able to get in on time AND somehow get a room with a bed. I was honestly expecting a folding chair in the lobby. I think someone must be bribing the infusion center staff to ensure these accommodations for me because I cannot fathom how lucky I have gotten to have a private room with a bed for every infusion except for one. Nothing is better than being able to shut off the light, snuggle up, and pass out while you pump your veins fulla’ poison.

Side effects:

Fatigue is at an all time high for this treatment. It is really catching up with me as my energy levels aren’t quite bouncing back as quickly as weeks prior. The treatment of Avastin and Taxol really packs more of a punch when it comes to draining energy and I found it tough to get out of bed post infusion last week. I think I came home and slept for at least 3 more hours. I can still function but I’m increasingly sluggish at the moment.

Hand rash has pretty much turned the back of my hands into dinosaur skin. I hope it doesn’t look and feel like this permanently because it’s not pretty. I’ve been using a lot of Aveno, Lubriderm, and prescription hydrocortisone cream to soothe the itch and inflammation and to keep the skin moisturized. This rash is highly sensitive to the sun so no daytime beach trips on the Cape for this girl (don’t worry I’ve subbed that for sunset visits on the beach instead).

Sore fingertips are still a thing, a real complaint. I trimmed my nails down yesterday which has taken some of the pressure off but it is becoming increasingly challenging to perform certain functions such as fastening buttons and clasps or opening containers. My nails are becoming more brittle and I have noticed that the nailbeds are changing in color to a dark red/purple. Some are worse than others. I relieve the inflammation by running my finger tips under cold water. I’m not sure what else I can do besides that and keeping them clean (to avoid bacteria and infection). My mom encouraged me to look into homeopathic remedies but I haven’t hammered down anything yet. Luckily my nails haven’t lifted yet so fingers crossed they don’t and at worst stay sore.

Hair loss– Yep, still balding. Holding on tight. Headbands and wraps are helping to hide the top a bit for now. I honestly don’t know what I want to do yet. Shave and be done with it or ride it out and see what happens? A significant amount of hair has fallen out of the top but at a much slower rate than before making this decision interesting. The jury is still out.

The news you have been waiting for:

My CA-125 results are in, actually I’ve had them for quite a few days, I’ve just been on radio silence on the blog front.

The CA-125 blood test showed a drop from 1184 to 812! We’re in triple digits! As I always say there is still a long way to go but at least we are seeing progress. This is very encouraging for me indeed.

On that note, I hope that everyone is enjoying their summer thus far. Stay tuned for more test results and summer adventures (does binge watching Seinfeld on Hulu count?)

Chemo & a Canine

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My life has taken an interesting turn in the past week. Last week, I wrote about adopting little (big) four-legged furball named Josie. The past week together has been exciting, heart warming, and challenging all at the same time. Josie is a very special pup and I can see why the foster coordinator at Big Fluffy Dog Rescue and her foster mom were so enamoured with her. josiegirl

She looks deeply into your eyes (and possibly into your soul) with such love and purity it is hard not to melt looking at that face. She had such a tough life leading up to being brought into Big Fluffy, I am shocked that this sweet girl can still love and trust so deeply.

Truth be told there have been a few times over the past week where I felt a little overwhelmed/stressed but generally her transition has been good.

Funny story about a particularly challenging evening:

Cory was concerned that she would drag me down the street on walks due to her size in comparison to my size (she weighs about 45 lbs. and I am clocking in at about 100 these days. THAT’S right! I finally tipped the scale!) I can handle a 45 lb. dog but when she is pulling and lunging at small dogs, cats, bikes, and squirrels, it takes some manpower to keep her in check. So on a night where she was particularly overstimulated, I figured I would try and burn off some energy by jogging with her on our last outing of the night. Imagine us in the streets of Providence off of Broadway. We’re running at a pretty decent pace, and I think to myself, “I’m totally going to tucker this girl out, I’m a geni-HOLY SHIT!” Suddenly, I hear a large German Shepherd bark behind a chain link fence to our left and Josie comes to an immediate dead stop. In that moment I run full force into my goddamn dog, trip over her, and land flat on the pavement, hard. It turns out that my demise ended up being my stationary dog acting like a speed bump.

On the bright side, Cory was wrong about this particular concern…

Yes, yes I am. Sorry your honor.

Anyway, this mishap aside, Josie has been pretty great even when I’m at work for the day. I mean, if you left me with a cozy bed and AC all day I’d be pretty psyched too.

There are dog mama perks aside from all of the awesome puppy snuggles and kisses I get everyday. In taking care of Josie it has forced me to be more purposeful with my time and provide better care for both of us. Now I’m not saying every cancer patient should run out and get a dog. Trust me, just a few months ago I was NOT in a place where I was up to this. I will say though, she has nudged me to make some positive changes in my daily routine. Not only do I take lots of walks, but I soak in my neighborhood and the people in it. I wake up earlier, plan mealtime better, and thoroughly clean everyday (she sheds like a fur monster. Thank goodness she doesn’t go on the bed and couch).

This routine has oddly given me energy even though I’m putting in more “work”. I think that these factors can only aid my recovery. Plus that unconditional love and care is just plain good for morale.

Now onto the chemo nitty-gritty.

I am going into my fourth cycle of Taxol/Avastin. Friday of this week will be the longer day where I get both drugs. It has been generally tolerable but I am seeing some annoying side effects start to creep in more and more:

  • Hair loss- No surprise here. I would have thought that I would have shaved by now but the back of my head is still full, it’s just the front that is mega thin. With some strategic combing and headband placement I have been able to dodge the razor for the time being.
  • Dulled taste buds- I am not experiencing the metallic taste that some other patients describe but food last lost it’s luster. I can taste food but everything is much more bland. I find myself gravitating toward stronger flavors and spices than before so I can really enjoy what I’m eating. My appetite is great though!
  • Hand rash- I have a rash on my hands that itches like crazy constantly. Any other cancer crushers out there experiencing this from Taxol? Use, Hydrocortisone cream and cool compresses. It helps although nothing but tapering off the Taxol will make it go away.
  • Sore fingernails- I’m not even kidding. This is actually a thing. My nail beds feel constantly inflamed. After all this time you’d think I would stop googling my medical concerns. All I found were horror stories about people’s nails falling off during/after cancer treatment. So help me I will STAPLE my nails to my fingers if I have to. (Not to worry, my nails are intact). I’ll just deal with it.

This list of complaints in comparison to my list of complaints from previous treatments is nothing. This is living the good life! I’ll take sore finger nails and bland food any day over a daily ride on the puke train.

I can safely say that I’m pretty happy right now. Things will only keep getting better, I’m sure of it.

We are keeping the positive energy going as I get my weekly blood work done tomorrow. It’s a CA-125 week so I’ll be getting an update on my tumor marker Friday.

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Welcome home Josie!

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I should warn you in advance that if you’re not a dog person, skip over this entry because it is basically 99% animal related.

I am pleased to announce that after much consideration and searching, I found my (almost) perfect four-legged companion. As of Thursday, I have adopted a beautiful pup that I have re-named Josie from Big Fluffy Dog Rescue. (True life- her name was Prada before…ehhhh). She is a three year old Welsh Corgi/German Shepherd mix. A true mutt with the best features of both breeds (but I’m her mommy so I’m biased).

Josie spent the better part of her live in Tennessee tied to a tree by a heartless, neglectful owner. Eventually he stopped feeding her. She was a growing puppy and as she grew her collar became badly embedded into her neck. Luckily she was rescued by Big Fluffy, given stellar vet rehab care, and sent to the east coast for foster care. Now she’s mine to love and spoil!!!

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Making the decision to take on such a dependent living being should not be taken lightly, and I didn’t. I went back and forth, obsessed about making the right choice, but in the end I could not imagine myself not adopting this particular little/big girl. When I first met her in her foster home she initially barked when I walked in the door as if to say: “HEY! I don’t know you! What are you doing here?!” the barking quickly turned into a big grin as I sat down the kitchen floor of her foster home. She trotted over to me and licked my face all over. My heart melted immediately.

There was a lot to consider here and I didn’t take her home that night (even though the ID in me really wanted to). Good thing Cory was there to help me show some restraint. As I spoke with non-dog owners and dog owners alike to seek clarity- I took in horror stories about houses being destroyed, separation anxiety, and $16,000 dollar vet bills. In contrast I also saw how people lit up when they spoke about their furry companions and shared how they couldn’t imagine life without them. One woman I know at the hospital was reduced to tears when she reflected on her experience with her Boxer. She has gone through some tough times and she confessed that it was her dog’s unconditional love that helped her through. Ultimately I knew I had to listen to my own intuition. That being said I have no regrets.

Despite the excessive shedding, Josie is a dream. She is constantly smiling and wagging her tail. She took no time at all to warm up to me and showers me in kisses and affection. She is housebroken, barks minimally, knows a few commands, and listens fairly well. She doesn’t jump on the couch or sleep in my bed, nor does she try to. She doesn’t beg when I am preparing or eating my meals in front of her.  With some training, I am sure that she will be even more amazing. We need to work on leash skills and learn a few more commands.

I am just so in love. Braggy mommy picture time.

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So since this is a cancer blog after all, some of you may be wondering:

“why did you take on such a major, long-term responsibility being that you’re sick and in treatment?”

I asked myself the same question continually. When I considered NOT adopting her for that reason, it cut me to the core. The mantra of Stupid Cancer is to Get Busy Living and I have been determined to do just that. When I was on the clinical trial I was merely existing and truly felt so broken. I wasn’t really living. Now that I am under a more tolerable regimen and feeling mostly-normal enough to lead a “normal” life, I am back in headspace that allows me to believe that I WILL get better. In that spirit, I was able to look in the mirror and say: “I will be strong and healthy enough to care for another living being for the next 12ish years”.

Looking that far down your life’s timeline is a little scary especially when the past few years have been so varied and in some cases tumultuous. Now that I pulled the trigger and adopted I’m not thinking about the “what if’s?”. As my mom so wisely reminded me, you cannot predict the future, and you just can’t be that calculated. You roll with the punches and ebb and flow of life.

In the past couple days of caring for Josie, you would have to pry the grin off my face with a pair of plyers. She has brought immense joy into my heart, even when we’re circling the neighborhood in the wee hours of night waiting to go poops. She actually has encouraged me to take care of myself better because I have no choice but to give her the best care. All in all Josie and I are so fortunate to have found each other. Going to work all day on Monday is going to be difficult. Stay at home mom’s- I get it now.

Thank-you to all that guided me as I grappled with this decision, Desiree from Big Fluffy for her kindness and patience, Kayla for being the best foster mom to my baby, and Auntie Sarah for all of Josie’s great new gifts!

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Continued love and gratitude from Jess & Josie.